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yours； anne
wednesday evening； january 19； 1944
dearest kitty；
i （there i go again！） dont know whats happened； but since my dream i keep noticing how ive changed。 by the way； i dreamed about peter again last night and once again i felt his eyes penetrate mine； but this dream was less vivid and not quite as beautiful as the last。
you know that i always used to be jealous of margots relationship with father。
theres not a trace of my jealousy left now； i still feel hurt when fathers nerves cause him to be unreasonable toward me； but then i think； 〃i cant blame you for being the way you are。 you talk so much about the minds of children and adolescents；
but you dont know the first thing about them！〃 i long for more than fathers affection； more than his hugs and kisses。 isnt it awful of me to be so preoccupied with myself？ shouldnt i； who want to be good and kind； forgive them first？ i forgive mother too； but every time she makes a sarcastic remark or laughs at me； its all i can do to control myself。
i know im far from being what i should； will i ever be？
anne frank
p。s。 father asked if i told you about the cake。 for mothers birthday； she received a real mocha cake； prewar quality； from the office。 it was a really nice day！ but at the moment theres no room in my head for things like that。
saturday； january 22； 1944
dearest kitty；
can you tell me why people go to such lengths to hide their real selves？ or why i always behave very differently when im in the pany of others？ why do people have so little trust in one another？ i know there must be a reason； but sometimes i think its horrible that you cant ever confide in anyone； not even those closest to you。
it seems as if ive grown up since the night i had that dream； as if ive bee more independent。 youll be amazed when i tell you that even my attitude toward the van daans has changed。 ive stopped looking at all the discussions and arguments from my familys biased point of view。 whats brought on such a radical change？ well； you see； i suddenly realized that if mother had been different； if shed been a real mom； our relationship would have been very； very different。 mrs。 van daan is by no means a wonderful person； yet half the arguments could have been avoided if mother hadnt been so hard to deal with every time they got onto a tricky subject。 mrs。 van daan does have one good point； though： you can talk to her。 she may be selfish； stingy and underhanded； but shell readily back down as long as you dont provoke her and make her unreasonable。 this tactic doesnt work every time； but if youre patient； you can keep trying and see how far you get。
all the conflicts about our upbringing； about not pampering children； about the food about everything； absolutely everything might have taken a different turn if wed remained open and on friendly terms instead of always seeing the worst side。
i know exactly what youre going to say； kitty。
〃but； anne； are these words really ing from your lips？ from you； who have had to put up with so many unkind words from upstairs？ from you； who are aware of all the injustices？鈥�
and yet they are ing from me。 i want to take a fresh look at things and form my own opinion； not just ape my parents； as in the proverb 〃the apple never falls far from the tree。〃 i want to reexamine the van daans and decide for myself whats true and whats been blown out of proportion。 if i wind up being disappointed in them； i can always side with father and mother。 but if not； i can try to change their attitude。
and if that doesnt work； ill have to stick with my own opinions and judgment。 ill take every opportunity to speak openly to mrs。 van d。 about our many differences and not be afraid despite my reputation as a smart aleck to offer my impartial opinion。 i wont say anything negative about my own family； though that doesnt mean i wont defend them if somebody else does； and as of today； my gossiping is a thing of the past。
up to now i was absolutely convinced that the van daans were entirely to blame for the quarrels； but now im sure the fault was largely ours。 we were right as far as the subject matter was concerned； but intelligent people （such as ourselves！） should have more insight into how to deal with others。
i hope ive got at least a touch of that insight； and that ill find an occasion to put it to good use。
yours； anne
monday； january 24； 1944
dearest kitty；
a very strange thing has happened to me。 （actually； 〃happened〃 isnt quite the right word。）
before i came here； whenever anyone at home or at school talked about sex； they were either secretive or disgusting。 any words having to do with sex were spoken in a low whisper； and kids who werent in the know were often laughed at。 that struck me as odd； and i often wondered why people were so mysterious or obnoxious when they talked about this subject。 but because i couldnt change things； i said as little as possible or asked my girlfriends for information。
after id learned quite a lot； mother once said to me； 〃anne； let me give you some good advice。 never discuss this with boys； and if they bring it up； dont answer them。鈥�
i still remember my exact reply。 〃no； of course not；〃 i exclaimed。 〃imagine！〃 and nothing more was said。
when we first went into hiding； father often told me about things id rather have heard from mother； and i learned the rest from books or things i picked up in conversations。
peter van daan wasnt ever as obnoxious about this subject as the boys at school。 or maybe just once or twice； in the beginning； though he wasnt trying to get me to talk。
mrs。 van daan once told us shed never discussed these matters with peter； and as far as she knew； neither had her husband。 apparently she didnt even know how much peter knew or where he got his information。
yesterday； when margot； peter and i were peeling potatoes； the conversation somehow turned to boche。 〃were still not sure whether boche is a boy or a girl； are we？〃 i asked。
yes we are； he answered。 〃boche is a tomcat。鈥�
i began to laugh。 〃some tomcat if hes pregnant。鈥�
peter and margot joined in the laughter。 you see； a month or two ago peter informed us that boche was sure to have kittens before long； because her stomach was rapidly swelling。 however； boches fat tummy turned out to be due to a bunch of stolen bones。 no kittens were growing inside； much less about to be born。
peter felt called upon to defend himself against my accusation。 〃e with me。 you can see for yourself。 i was horsing around with the cat one day； and i could definitely see it was a he。 鈥�
unable to restrain my curiosity； i went with him to the warehouse。 boche； however； wasnt receiving visitors at that hour； and was nowhere in sight。 we waited for a while； but when it got cold； we went back upstairs。
later that afternoon i heard peter go downstairs for the second time。 i mustered the courage to walk through the silent house by myself and reached the warehouse。 boche was on the packing table； playing with peter； who was getting ready to put him on the scale and weigh him。
〃hi； do you want to have a look？〃 without any preliminaries； he picked up the cat； turned him over on his back； deftly held his head and paws and began the lesson。
〃this is the male sexual organ； these are a few stray hairs； and thats his backside。鈥�
the cat flipped himself over and stood up on his little white feet。
if any other boy had pointed out the 〃male sexual organ〃 to me； i would never have given him a second glance。 but peter went on talking in a normal voice about what is otherwise a very awkward subject。 nor did he have any ulterior motives。 by the time hed finished； i felt so much at ease that i started acting normally too。 we played with boche； had a good time； chatted a bit and finally sauntered through the long warehouse to the door。 〃were you there when mouschi was fixed？鈥�
〃yeah； sure。 it doesnt take long。 they give the cat an anesthetic； of course。鈥�
〃do they take something out？鈥�
〃no； the vet just snips the tube。 theres nothing to see on the outside。鈥�
i had to get up my nerve to ask a question； since it wasnt as 〃normal〃 as i thought。
〃peter； the german word geschlechtsteil means sexual organ； doesnt it？ but then the male and female ones have different names。鈥�
〃i know that。鈥�
〃the female one is a vagina； that i know； but i dont know what its called in males。鈥�
〃oh well；〃 i said。 〃how are we supposed to know these words？ most of the time you just e across them by accident。鈥�
〃why wait？ ill ask my parents。 they know more than i do and theyve had more experience。鈥�
we were already on the stairs； so nothing more was said。
yes； it really did happen。 id never have talked to a girl about this in such a normal tone of voice。 im also certain that this isnt what mother meant when she warned me about boys。
all the same； i wasnt exactly my usual self for the rest of the day。 when i thought
back to our talk； it struck me as odd。 but ive learned at least one thing： there are young people； even those of the opposite sex； who can discuss these things naturally； without cracking jokes。
is peter really going to ask his parents a lot of questions？ is he reall