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for both of us； its been quite a blow to suddenly realize that very little remains of the close and harmoni… ous family we used to have at home！ this is mostly because everythings out of kilter here。 by that i mean that were treated like children when it es to external matters； while； inwardly； were much older than other girls our age。
even though im only fourteen； i know what i want； i know whos right and whos wrong； i have my own opinions； ideas and principles； and though it may sound odd ing from a teenager； i feel im more of a person than a child i feel im pletely independent of others。 i know im better at debating or carrying on a discussion than mother； i know im more objective； i dont exaggerate as much； im much tidier and better with my hands； and because of that i feel （this may make you laugh） that im superior to her in many ways。 to love someone； i have to admire and respect the person； but i feel neither respect nor admiration for mother！
everything would be all right if only i had peter； since i admire him in many ways。
hes so decent and clever！
yours； anne
m。 frank
saturday； march 18； 1944
dearest kitty；
ive told you more about myself and my feelings than ive ever told a living soul； so why shouldnt that include sex？
parents； and people in general； are very peculiar when it es to sex。 instead of telling their sons and daughters everything at the age of twelve； they send the children out of the room the moment the subject arises and leave them to find out everything on their own。 later on； when parents notice that their children have； somehow； e by their information； they assume they know more （or less） than they actually do。 so why dont they try to make amends by asking them whats what？
a major stumbling block for the adults though in my opinion its no more than a pebble is that theyre afraid their children will no longer look upon marriage as sacred and pure once they realize that； in most cases； this purity is a lot of nonsense。
as far as im concerned； its not wrong for a man to bring a little experience to a marriage。 after all； it has nothing to do with the marriage itself； does it？
soon after i turned eleven； they told me about menstruation。 but even then； i had no idea where the blood came from or what it was for。 when i was twelve and a half； i learned some more from jacque； who wasnt as ignorant as i was。 my own intuition told me what a man and a woman do when theyre together； it seemed like a crazy idea at first； but when jacque confirmed it； i was proud of myself for having figured it out！
it was also jacque who told me that children didnt e out of their mothers tummies。 as she put it； 〃where the ingredients go in is where the finished product es out！〃 jacque and i found out about the hymen； and quite a few other details； from a book on sex education。 i also knew that you could keep from having children； but how that worked inside your body remained a mystery。 when i came here； father told me about prostitutes； etc。； but all in all there are still unanswered questions。
if mothers dont tell their children everything； they hear it in bits and pieces； and that cant be right。
even though its saturday； im not bored！ thats because ive been up in the attic with peter。 i sat there dreaming with my eyes closed； and it was wonderful。
yours； anne
m。 frank
sunday； march 19； 1944
dearest kitty；
yesterday was a very important day for me。 after lunch everything was as usual。 at five i put on the potatoes； and mother gave me some blood sausage to take to peter。
i didnt want to at first； but i finally went。 he wouldnt accept the sausage； and i had the dreadful feel… ing it was still because of that argument wed had about distrust。
suddenly i couldnt bear it a moment longer and my eyes filled with tears。 without another word； i re… turned the platter to mother and went to the bathroom to have a good cry。 afterward i decided to talk things out with peter。 before dinner the four of us were helping him with a crossword puzzle； so i couldnt say anything。 but as we were sitting down to eat； i whispered to him； 〃are you going to practice your shorthand tonight； peter？鈥�
〃no；〃 was his reply。
〃id like to talk to you later on。鈥�
he agreed。
after the dishes were done； i went to his room and asked if hed refused the sausage because of our last quar… rel。 luckily； that wasnt the reason； he just thought it was bad manners to seem so eager。 it had been very hot downstairs and my face was as red as a lobster。 so after taking down some water for margot； i went back up to get a little fresh air。 for the sake of appearances； i first went and stood beside the van daans window before going to peters room。 he was standing on the left side of the open window； so i went over to the right side。 its much easier to talk next to an open window in semidarkness than in broad daylight； and i think peter felt the same way。 we told each other so much； so very much； that i cant repeat it all。 but it felt good； it was the most won… derful evening ive ever had in the annex。 ill give you a brief description of the various subjects we touched on。
first we talked about the quarrels and how i see them in a very different light these days； and then about how weve bee alienated from our parents。 i told peter about mother and father and margot and myself。 at one point he asked； 〃you always give each other a good…night kiss； dont you？鈥�
〃one？ dozens of them。 you dont； do you？鈥�
〃no； ive never really kissed anyone。鈥�
〃not even on your birthday？〃
〃yeah； on my birthday i have。鈥�
we talked about how neither of us really trusts our parents； and how his parents love each other a great deal and wish hed confide in them； but that he doesnt want to。
how i cry my heart out in bed and he goes up to the loft and swears。 how margot and i have only recently gotten to know each other and yet still tell each other very little； since were always together。 we talked about every imaginable thing； about trust； feelings and ourselves。 oh； kitty； he was just as i thought he would be。
then we talked about the year 1942； and how different we were back then； we dont even recognize ourselves from that period。 how we couldnt stand each other at first。
hed thought i was a noisy pest； and id quickly concluded that he was nothing special。
i didnt understand why he didnt flirt with me； but now im glad。 he also mentioned how he often used to retreat to his room。 i said that my noise and exuberance and his silence were two sides of the same coin； and that i also liked peace and quiet but dont have anything for myself alone； except my diary； and that everyone would rather see the back of me； starting with mr。 dussel； and that i dont always want to sit with my parents。 we discussed how glad he is that my parents have children and how glad i am that hes here。
how i now understand his need to withdraw and his relationship to his parents； and how much id like to help him when they argue。
〃but youre always a help to me！〃 he said。
〃how？〃 i asked； greatly surprised。
〃by being cheerful。鈥�
that was the nicest thing he said all evening。 he also told me that he didnt mind my ing to his room the way he used to； in fact； he liked it。 i also told him that all of fathers and mothers pet names were meaningless； that a kiss here and there didnt automatically lead to trust。 we also talked about doing things your own way； the diary； loneliness； the difference between everyones inner and outer selves； my mask； etc。
it was wonderful。 he must have e to love me as a friend； and； for the time being； thats enough。 im so grateful and happy； i cant find the words。 i must apolo… gize； kitty； since my style is not up to my usual standard today。 ive just written whatever came into my head！
i have the feeling that peter and i share a secret。 whenever he looks at me with those eyes； with that smile and that wink； its as if a light goes on inside me。 i hope things will stay like this and that well have many； many more happy hours together。
your grateful and happy anne monday； march 20； 1944
dearest kitty；
this morning peter asked me if id e again one evening。 he swore i wouldnt be disturbing him； and said that where there was room for one； there was room for two。
i said i couldnt see him every evening； since my parents didnt think it was a good idea； but he thought i shouldnt let that bother me。 so i told him id like to e some saturday evening and also asked him if hed let me know when you could see the moon。
〃sure；〃 he said； 〃maybe we can go downstairs and look at the moon from there。〃 i agreed； im not really so scared of burglars。
in the meantime； a shadow has fallen on my happiness。 for a long time ive had the feeling that margot likes peter。 just how much i dont know； but the whole situation is very unpleasant。 now every time i go see peter im hurting her； without meaning to。
the funny thing is that she hardly lets it show。 i know id be insanely jealous； but margot just says i shouldnt feel sorry for her。
〃i think its so awful that youve bee the odd one out；〃 i added。
〃im used to that；〃 she replied； somewhat bitterly。
i dont dare tell peter。 maybe later on； but he an