按键盘上方向键 ← 或 → 可快速上下翻页，按键盘上的 Enter 键可回到本书目录页，按键盘上方向键 ↑ 可回到本页顶部！
————未阅读完？加入书签已便下次继续阅读！
folly possible； if it took the guise of sublime and tragic action。
Few realize to what degree the mind can become warped and disordered；
even with a brief time； by trouble and the violation of the laws
of health； and some； by education and temperament； are peculiarly
predisposed to abnormal conditions。 Science has taught men how
to build ships with water…tight compartments； so that if disaster
crushes in on one side； the other parts may save from sinking。
There are fortunate people who are built on the same safe principle。
They have cultivated minds； and varied resources in artistic and
scientific pursuits。 Above all else； they may have faith in God and
a better life to come； such possessions are like the compartments
of a modern ship。 Few disasters can destroy them all； and in the
loss of one or more the soul is kept afloat by the others。
But it would seem that poor Ida's character had been constructed
with fatal simplicity； and when the cold waves of trouble rushed
in there was nothing to prevent her from sinking beneath them like
a stone。 Her mind was uncultivated； and art； science； literature
offered her as yet no resources； no pursuits。 She had a woman's
heart that might have been filled with sustaining love； but in its
place had come a sudden and icy flood of disappointment and despair。
She loved； with all the passion and simplicity of a narrow； yet
earnest nature； the man who had awakened the woman within her；
and he； she believed； would never give her aught in return； save
contempt。 She naturally thought that she had been degraded in his
estimation beyond all ordinary means of redemption； therefore； in
her desperation and despair； she was ready to take an extraordinary
method of compelling at least his respect。
Moreover； Ida was impatient and impetuous by nature。 She had a
large capacity for action； but little for endurance。 It would be
almost impossible for her to reach woman's loftiest heroism； and
sit 〃like Patience on a monument； smiling at grief。〃 It would be
her disposition rather to rush forward； and dash herself against an
adverse fate； meeting it even more than half way。 All the influences
of her life had tended to develop imperiousness； willfulness； and
now her impulse was to enter a protest against her hard lot that
was as passionate and reckless as it was impotent。
Apart from her supreme wish to fill Van Berg with regret； and awaken
in him something like respect； the thought of dragging on a wretched
existence through the indefinite years to come was intolerable。 The
color had utterly faded out of life； and left it bald and repulsive
to the last degree。
Fashionable dissipation promised her nothing。 She had often tasted
this； to the utmost limit of propriety； and was well aware that
the gay whirl had nothing new to offer； unless she plunged into
the mad excitement of a life which is as brief as it is vile。 It
was to her credit that death seemed preferable to this。 It was
largely due to her defective training and limited experience； that
a useful； innocent life； even though it promised to be devoid of
happiness； was so utterly repulsive that she was ready to throw it
away in impatient disgust。
As yet she was incapable of Jennie Burton's divine philosophy
of 〃pleasing not〃 herself。 he who 〃gave his life for others〃 was
but a name at the pronunciation of which； in the Service； she was
accustomed to bow profoundly； but to whom； in her heart； she had
never bowed or offered a genuine prayer。 Religion seemed to her a
sort of fashion which differed with the tastes of different people。
She was a practical atheist。
It is a fearful thing to permit a child to grow up ignorant of God；
and of the sacred principles of duty which should be inwrought in
the conscience； and enforced by the most vital considerations of
well…being； both for this world and the world to come。
But Ida Mayhew thought not of God or duty； but only of her thwarted；
unhappy life； from which she shrank weakly and selfishly； assuring
herself that she could not and would not endure it。 In her father
she saw only increasing humiliation； in her mother； one for whom
she had but little affection and less respect； and who would of
necessity irritate the wounds that time might slowly heal； could she
live in an atmosphere of delicate； unspoken sympathy； in herself；
one whom she now believed to be so ignorant and faulty that the man
she loved had turned away in disgust on finding her out。 If all
this were not bad enough； unforeseen and unfortunate circumstances；
even more than her own folly； had brought about a humiliation from
which she felt she could never recover。 In her blind； desperate
effort to hide her passion from the man she loved； she had made it
appear that she was infatuated with the man she loathed； and who
had shown himself such a contemptible villain that her association
with him was the scandal of the house。 If her own mother and
cousin could believe that she was ready to throw herself away for
the sake of such a wretch； what must the people of the hotel think？
What kind of a story would go abroad among her acquaintances in
the city？ She fairly cringed and writhed at the thought of it all。
It seemed to the tortured and morbidly excited girl that there was
but one way out of her troubles； and dark and dreadful as was that
path； she thought it could lead to nothing so painful as that from
which she would escape。
But after all； her chief incentive to the fatal act was the hope
of securing Van Berg's respect； and of implanting herself in his
heart as an undying memory； even though a sad and terrible one。
With her ideas of the fitness of things this would be a strong
temptation at best； but the present conditions of her life； as we
have seen； so far from restraining； added greatly to the temptation。
And； as has been said； while the act seemed a stern and dreadful
alternative to worse evils； it was not revolting to her。 She had
seen so many of her favorite heroines in fiction and actresses on
the stage 〃shuffle off the mortal coil〃 with the most appropriate
expressions and in the most becoming toilets and attitudes； that
her perverted and melodramatic taste led her to believe that Van
Berg would regard her crime as a sublime vindication of her honor。
Her only task now； therefore； was to frame a letter that would
best accomplish this end； and at the same time wring his soul with
unavailing regret。
But she was too sincere and sad to write diffusely and vaguely。
After a few moments' thought she rapidly traced the following lines：
〃Mr。 Van Berg：
〃You first saw me at a concert； and your judgement of me was correct；
though severe。 Your eyes have since been very cold and critical。
I have followed your exploring glances； and have found that I am；
indeed； ignorant and imperfectthat I was like the worm…eaten rose
bud that you tossed contemptuously down where it would be trampled
under foot。 Seldom is that unfortunate little emblem of myself
out of my thoughts。 If I dared to appeal to God I would say that
he knows that I would have tried to bloom into a better life； even
though imperfectly； if some one had only thought it worth while to
show me how。 It is too late now。 Like my counterpart； that you
threw away； I shall soon be forgotten in the dust。
〃Although your estimate has been so harsh； I will not dispute it。
Circumstances have been against me from the first； and my own folly
has added whatever was wanting to confirm your unfavorable opinion。
But to…day your thoughts wronged me cruelly。 You have slain all
hope and self…respect。 I do not feel that I can live after seeing
an honorable man look at me as you looked this evening。 You believed
me capable of flying to he man who attempted your lifewho insulted
and orphan girl。 You looked at me； not as a lady； but an object
beneath contempt。 This is a humiliation that I cannot and will
not survive。 When you know that i have sought death rather than
the villain with whom you are associating me； you may think of me
more favorably。 Possibly the memory of Ida Mayhew may lead you；
when again you see a worm…eaten bud； to kill the destroyer and help
the flower to bloom as well as it can。 But now； like my emblem；
I have lost my one chance。
The night was now far spent。 Her mother； having been refused
admittance； had fumed and fretted herself to sleep。 The house was
very still。 She opened her window and looked out。 Clouds obscured
the stars； and it was exceedingly dark。
〃The long night to which I'm going will be darker still；〃 sighed
the unhappy girl。 〃Well； I will live one more day。 To…morrow I
will go out and sit in the sunlight once more。 I wish I could go
now； for already I seem to feel the chill of death。 Oh； how cold
I shall be by this time to…morrow night！〃
She shuddered as she closed the window。