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treatises on friendship and old age-第7章

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opportunities which prosperity; wealth; and great means can
bestow; should secure all else which monev can buy…horses;
servants; splendid upholstering; and costly plate…but do not secure
friends; who are; if I may use the expression; the most valuable
and beautiful furniture of life?  And yet; when they acquire the
former; they know not who will enjoy them; nor for whom they
may be taking all this trouble; for they will one and all eventually
belong to the strongest: while each man has a stable and
inalienable ownership in his friendships。 And even if those
possessions; which are; in a manner; the gifts of fortune; do prove
permanent; life can never be anything but joyless which is without
the consolations and companionship of friends。

16。 To turn to another branch of our subject。  We must now
endeavour to ascertain what limits are to be observed in
friendship…what is the boundary…line; so to speak; beyond which
our affection is not to go。 On this point I notice three opinions;
with none of which I agree。 One is _that we should love our friend
just as much as we love ourselves; and no more; another; that our
affection to them should exactly correspond and equal theirs to us;
a third; that a man should be valued at exactly the same rate as he
values himself_。 To not one of these opinions do I assent。  The
first; which holds that our regard for ourselves is to be the measure
of our regard for our friend; is not true; for how many things there
are which we would never have done for our own sakes; but do for
the sake of a friend! We submit to make requests from unworthy
people; to descend even to supplication; to be sharper in invective;
more violent in attack。 Such actions are nut creditable in our own
interests; but highly so in those of our friends。 There are many
advantages too which men of upright character voluntarily forego;
or of whichh they are content to be deprived; that their friends may
enjoy them rather than themselves。

The second doctrine is that which limits friendship to an exact
equality in mutual good offices and good feelings。 But such a view
reduces friendship to a question of figures in a spirit far too narrow
and illiberal; as though the object were to have an exact balance in
a debtor and creditor account。  True friendship appears to me to be
something richer and more generous than that comes to; and not to
be so narrowly on its guard against giving more than it receives。 In
such a matter we must not be always afraid of something being
wasted or running over in our measure; or of more than is justly
due being devoted to our friendship。

But the last limit proposed is the worst; namely; that a friend's
estimate of himself is to be the measure of our estimate of
him。 It often happens that a man has too humble an idea of
himself; or takes too despairing a view of his chance of bettering
his fortune。  In such a case a friend ought not to take the view of
him which he takes of himself。 Rather he should do all he can to
raise his drooping spirits; and lead him to more cbeerful hopes and
thoughts。

We must then find some other limit。 But I must first mention the
sentiment which used to call forth Scipio's severest criticism。  He
often said that no one ever gave utterance to anything more
diametrically opposed to the spirit of friendship than the author of
the dictum; 〃You should love your friend with the consciousness
that you may one day hate him。〃 He could not be induced to
believe that it was rightfully attributed to Bias; who was counted
as one of the Seven Sages。  It was the sentiment of some person
with sinister motives or selfish ambition; or who regarded
everything as it affected his own supremacy。 How can a man be
friends with another; if he thinks it possible that be may be his
enemy?  Why; it will follow that he must wish and desire his friend
to commit as many mistakes as possible; that he may have all the
more handles against him; and; conversely; that he must be
annoyed; irritated; and jealous at the right actions or good fortune
of his friends。  This maxim; then; let it be whose it will; is the utter
destruction of friendship。  The true rule is to take such care in the
selection of our friends as never to enter upon a friendship with a
man whom we could under any circumstances come to hate。  And
even if we are unlucky in our choice; we must put up with
it…according to Scipio…in preference to making calculations as to a
future breach。

17。 The real limit to be observed in friendship is this: the
characters of two friends must be stainless。 There must be
complete harmony of interests; purpose; and aims; without
exception。  Then if the case arises of a friend's wish (not strictly
right in itself) calling for support in a matter involvmg his life or
reputation; we must make some concession from the straight
path…on condition; that is to say; that extreme disgrace is not the
consequence。  Something must be conceded to friendship。 And yet
we must not be entirely careless of our reputation; nor regard the
good opinion of our fellow…citizens as a weapon which we can
afford to despise in conducting the business of our life; however
lowering it may be to tout for it by flattery and smooth words。 We
must by no means abjure virtue; which secures us affection。

But to return again to Scipio; the sole author of the discourse on
friendship。 He used to complain that there was nothing on which
men bestowed so little pains: that every one could tell exactly how
many goats or sheep he had; but not how many friends; and while
they took pains in procuring the former; they were utterly careless
in selecting friends; and possessed no particular marks; so to
speak; or tokens by which they might judge of their suitability for
friendship。  Now the qualities we ought to look out for in making
our selection are firmness; stability; constancy。 There is a plentiful
lack of men so endowed; and it is difficult to form a judgment
without testing。  Now this testing can only be made during the
actual existence of the friend…ship; for friendship so often precedes
the formation of a judgment; and makes a previous test impossible。
If we are prudent then; we shall rein in our impulse to affection as
we do chariot horses。  We make a preliminary trial of horses。  So
we should of friendship; and should test our friends' characters by
a kind of tentative friendship。  It may often happen that the
untrustworthiness of certain men is completely displayed in a
small money matter; others who are proof against a small sum are
detected if it be large。 But even if some are found who think it
mean to prefer money to friendship; where shall we look for those
who put friendship before office; civil or military promotions; and
political power; and who; when the choice lies between these
things on the one side and the claims of friendship on the other; do
not give a strong preference to the former? It is not in human
nature to be indifferent to political power; and if the price men
have to pay for it is the sacrifice of friendship; they think their
treason will be thrown into the shade by the magnitude of the
reward。  This is why true friendship is very difficult to find among
those who engage in politics and the contest for office。 Where can
you find the man to prefer his friend's advancement to his own? 
And to say nothing of that; think how grievous and almost
intolerable it is to most men to share political disaster。 You will
scarcely find anyone who can bring himself to do that。 And though
what Ennius says is quite true;…〃 the hour of need shews the friend
indeed;〃…yet it is in these two ways that most people betray their
untrustworthiness and inconstancy; by looking down on friends
when they are themselves prosperous; or deserting them in their
distress。  A man; then; who has shewn a firm; unshaken; and
unvarying friendship in both these contingencies we must reckon
as one of a class the rarest in the world; and all but superhuman。

18。 Now; what is the quality to look out for as a warrant for the
stability and permanence of friendship?  It is loyalty。 Nothing that
lacks this can be stable。 We should also in making our selection
look out for simplicity; a social disposition; and a sympathetic
nature; moved by what moves us。  These all contribute to maintain
loyalty。 You can never trust a character which is intricate and
tortuous。  Nor; indeed; is it possible for one to be trustworthy and
firm who is unsympathetic by nature and unmoved by what affects
ourselves。  We may add; that he must neither take pleasure in
bringing accusations against us himself; nor believe them when
they are brought。  All these contribute to form that constancy
which I have been endeavouring to describe。 And the result is;
what I started by saying; that friendship is only possible between
good men。

Now there are two characteristic features in his treatment of his
friends that a good (which may be regarded as equivalent to a
wise) man will always display。 First; he will be entirely without
any make…believe or pretence of feeling; for the open display even
of dislike is more becommg to an ingenuous character than a
studied concealment o
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