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any make…believe or pretence of feeling； for the open display even
of dislike is more becommg to an ingenuous character than a
studied concealment of sentiment。 Secondly； he will not only
reject all accusations brought against his friend by another； but he
will not be suspicious himself either； nor be always thinking that
his friend has acted improperly。 Besides this； there should be a
certain pleasantness in word and manner which adds no little
flavour to friendship。 A gloomy temper and unvarying gravity
may be very impressive； but friendship should be a little less
unbending； more indulgent and gracious； and more inclined to all
kinds of good…fellowship and good…nature。
19。 But here arises a question of some little difficulty。 Are there
any occasions on which； assuming their worthiness； we should
prefer new to old friends； just as we prefer young to aged horses？
The answer admits of no doubt whatever。 For there should be no
satiety in friendship； as there is in other things。 The older the
sweeter； as in wines that keep well。 And the proverb is a true one；
〃You must eat many a peck of salt with a man to be thorough
friends with him。〃 Novelty； indeed； has its advantage； which we
must not despise。 There is always hope of fruit； as there is in
healthy blades of corn。 But age too must have its proper position；
and； in fact； the influence of time and habit is very great。 To recur
to the illustration of the horse which I have just now used。 Every
one likes _ceteris paribus_ to use the horse to which he has been
accustomed； rather than one that is untried and new。 And it is not
only in the case of a living thing that this rule holds good； but in
inanimate things also； for we like places where we have lived the
longest； even though they are mountainous and covered with
forest。 But here is another golden rule in friendship： _put yourself
on a level with your friend_。 For it often happens that there are
certain superiorities； as for example Scipio's in what I may call our
set。 Now he never assumed any airs of superiority over Philus； or
Rupilius； or Mummius； or over friends of a lower rank stilt。 For
instance； he always shewed a deference to his brother Quintus
Maximus because he was his senior； who； though a man no doubt
of eminent character； was by no means his equal。 He used also to
wish that all his friends should be the better for his support。 This
is an example we should all follow。 If any of us have any
advantage in personal character； intellect； or fortune； we should be
ready to make our friends sharers and partners in it with ourselves。
For instance； if their parents are in humble circumstances； if their
relations are powerful neither in intellect nor means； we should
supply their deficiencies and promote their rank and dignity。 You
know the legends of children brought up as servants in ignorance
of their parentage and family。 When they are recognized and
discovered to be the sons of gods or kings； they still retain their
affection for the shepherds whom they have for many years looked
upon as their parents。 Much more ought this to be so in the case of
real and undoubted parents。 For the advantages of genius and
virtue； and in short；of every kind of superiority； are never
realized to their fullest extent until they are bestowed upon our
nearest and dearest。
20。 But the converse must also be observed。 For in friendship and
relationship； just as those who possess any superiority must put
themselves on an equal footing with those who are less fortunate；
so these latter must not be annoyed at being surpassed in genius；
fortune； or rank。 But most people of that sort are forever either
grumbling at something； or harping on their claims； and especially
if they consider that they have services of their own to allege
involving zeal and friendship and some trouble to themselves。
People who are always bringing up their services are a nuisance。
The recipient ought to remember them； the performer should never
mention them。 In the case of friends； then； as the superior are
bound to descend； so are they bound in a certain sense to raise
those below them。 For there are people who make their friendship
disagreeable by imagining themselves undervalued。 This generally
happens only to those who think that they deserve to be so； and
they ought to be shewn by deeds as well as by words the
groundlessness of their opinion。 Now the measure of your benefits
should he in the first place your own power to bestow； and in the
second place the capacity to bear them on the part of him on whom
you are bestowing affection and help。 For； however great your
personal prestige may be； you cannot raise all your friends to the
highest offices of the State。 For instance； Scipio was able to make
Publius Rupilius consul； but not his brother Lucius。 But granting
that you can give anyone anything you choose； you must have a
care that it does not prove to be beyond his powers。 As a general
rule； we must wait to make up our mind about friendships till
men's characters and years have arrived at their full strength and
development。 People must not； for instance； regard as fast friends
all whom in their youthful enthusiasm for hunting or football they
liked for having the same tastes。 By that rule； if it were a mere
question of time； no one would have such claims on our affections
as nurses and slave…tutors。 Not that they are to be neglected； but
they stand on a different ground。 It is only these mature
friendships that can be permanent。 For difference of character
leads to difference of aims； and the result of such diversity is to
estrange friends。 The sole reason； for instance； which prevents
good men from making friends with bad； or bad with good； is that
the divergence of their characters and aims is the greatest possible。
Another good rule in friendship is this： do not let an excessive
affection hinder the highest interests of your friends。 This very
often happens。 I will go again to the region of fable for an
instance。 Neoptolemus could never have taken Troy if he had
been willing to listen to Lycomedes； who had brought him up； and
with many tears tried to prevent his going there。 Again； it often
happens that important business makes it necessary to part from
friends： the man who tries to baulk it； because he thinks that he
cannot endure the separation； is of a weak and effeminate nature；
and on that very account makes but a poor friend。 There are； of
course； limits to what you ought to expect from a friend and to
what you should allow him to demand of you。 And these you must
take into calculation in every case。
21。 Again； there is such a disaster； so to speak； as having to break
off friendship。 And sometimes it is one we cannot avoid。 For at
this point the stream of our discourse is leaving the intimacies of
the wise and touching on the friendship of ordinary people。 It will
happen at times that an outbreak of vicious conduct affects either a
man's friends themselves or strangers； yet the discredit falls on the
friends。 In such cases friendships should be allowed to die out
gradually by an intermission of intercourse。 They should； as I have
been told that Cato used to say； rather be unstitched than toni in
twain； unless； indeed； the injurious conduct be of so violent and
outrageous a nature as to make an instant breach and separation
the only possible course consistent with honour and rectitude。
Again； if a change in character and aim takes place； as often
happens； or if party politics produces an alienation of feeling （I am
now speaking； as I said a short time ago； of ordinary friendships；
not of those of the wise）； we shall have to be on our guard against
appearing to embark upon active enmity while we only mean to
resign a friendship。 For there can be nothing more discreditable
than to be at open war with a man with whom you have been
intimate。 Scipio； as you are aware； had abandoned his friendship
for Quintus Pompeius on my account； and again； from differences
of opinion in politics； he became estranged from my colleague
Metellus。 In both cases he acted with dignity and moderation；
shewing that he was offended indeed； but without Tancour。
Our first object； then； should be to prevent a breach； our second； to
secure that； if it does occur； our friendship should seem to have
died a natural rather than a violent death。 Next； we should take
care that friendship is not converted into active hostility； from
which flow personal quarrels； abusive language； and angry
recriminations。 These last； however； provided that they do not pass
all reasonable limits of forbearance； we ought to put up with； and；
in compliment to an old friendship； allow the party that inflicts the
injury； not the one that submits to it； to be in the wrong。 Generally
speaking； there is but one way of securing and providing oneself
against faults and inconveniences of this sort…not to be too hasty in
bestowing our affection； and not to bestow it at all on unworthy
objects。
Now； by 〃worthy of friendship〃 I mean those who have in
themselves the qualities which attract affection。 This sort of man is
rare； and indeed all excellen