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themselves the qualities which attract affection。 This sort of man is
rare； and indeed all excellent things are rare； and nothing in the
world is so hard to find as a thing entirely and completely perfect
of its kind。 But most people not only recognize nothing as good in
our life unless it is profitable； but look upon friends as so much
stock； caring most for those by whom they hope to make most
profit。 Accordingly they never possess that most beautiful and
most spontaneous friendship which must be sought solely for itself
without any ulterior object。 They fail also to learn from their own
feelings the nature and the strength of friendship。 For every one
loves himself； not for any reward which such love may bring； but
because he is dear to himself independently of anything else。 But
unless this feeling is transferred to another； what a real friend is
will never be revealed； for he is； as it were； a second self。 But if
we find these two instincts shewing themselves in animals；…
whether of the air or the sea or the land； whether wild or
tame；…first； a love of self； which in fact is born in everything that
lives alike； and； secondly； an eagerness to fiud and attach
themselves to other creatures of their own kind； and if this natural
action is accompanied by desire and by something resembling
human love； how much more must this be the case in man by the
law of his nature？ For man not only loves himself； but seeks
another whose spirit he may so blend with his own as almost to
make one being of two。
22。 But most people unreasonably； not to speak of modesty； want
such a friend as they are unable to be themselves； and expect from
their friends what they do not themselves give。 The fair course is
first to be good yourself； and then to look out for another of like
character。 It is between such that the stability in friendship of
which we have been talking can be secured； when； that is to say；
men who are united by affection learn； first of all； to rule those
passions which enslave others； and in the next place to take delight
in fair and equitable conduct； to bear each other's burdens； never to
ask each other for anything inconsistent with virtue and rectitude；
and not only to serve and love but also to respect each other。 I say
〃respect〃； for if respect is gone； friendship has lost its brightest
jewel。 And this shows the mistake of those who imagine that
friendship gives a privilege to licentiousness and sin。 Nature has
given us friendship as the handmaid of virtue； not as a partner in
guilt： to the end that virtue； being powerless when isolated to reach
the highest objects； might succeed in doing so in union and
partnership with another。 Those who enjoy in the present； or have
enjoyed in the past； or are destined to enjoy in the future such a
partnership as this； must be considered to have secured the most
excellent and auspicious combination for
ON FRIENDSHIP
reaching nature's highest good。 This is the partnership； I say；
which combines moral rectitude； fame； peace of mind； serenity： all
that men think desirable because with them life is happy； but
without them cannot be so。 This being our best and highest object；
we must； if we desire to attain it； devote ourselves to virtue； for
without virtue we can obtain neither friendship nor anything else
desirable。 In fact； if virtue be neglected； those who imagine
themselves to possess friends will find out their error as soon as
some grave disaster forces them to make trial of them。 Wherefore；
I must again and again repeat； you must satisfy your judgment
before engaging your affections： not love first and judge
afterwards。 We suffer from carelessness in many of our
undertakings： in none more than in selecting and cultivating our
friends。 We put the cart before the horse； and shut the stable door
when the steed is stolen； in defiance of the old proverb。 For；
having mutually involved ourselves in a long…standing intimacy or
by actual obligations； all on a sudden some cause of offence arises
and we break off our friendships in full career。
23。
It is this that makes such carelessness in a matter of supreme
importance all the more worthy of blame。 I say 〃supreme
importance；〃 because friendship is the one thing about the utility
of which everybody with one accord is agreed。 That is not the case
in regard even to virtue itself； for many people speak slightingly of
virtue as though it were mere puffing and self…glorification。 Nor is
it the case with riches。 Many look down on riches； being content
with a little and taking pleasure in poor fare and dress； And as to
the political offices for which some have a burning desire
…how many entertain such a contempt for them as to think nothing
in the world more empty and trivial！
And so on with the rest； things desirable in the eyes of some are
regarded by very many as worthless。 But of friendship all think
alike to a man； whether those have devoted themselves to politics；
or those who delight in science and philosophy； or those who
follow a private way of life and care for nothing but their own
business； or those lastly who have given themselves body and soul
to sensuality…they all think； I say； that without friendship life is no
life； if they want some part of it； at any rate； to be noble。 For
friendship； in one way or another； penetrates into the lives of us
all； and suffers no career to be entirely free from its influence。
Though a man be of so churlish and unsociable a nature as to
loathe and shun the company of mankind； as we are told was the
case with a certain Timon at Athens； yet even he cannot refrain
from seeking some one in whose hearing he may disgorge the
venom of his bitter temper。 We should see this most clearly； if it
were possible that some god should carry us away from these
haunts of men； and place us some…where in perfect solitude； and
then should supply us in abundance with everything necessary to
our nature； and yet take from us entirely the opportunity of looking
upon a human being。 Who could steel himself to endure such a
life？ Who would not lose in his loneliness the zest for all
pleasures？ And indeed this is the point of the observation of； I
think； Archytas of Tarentum。 I have it third hand； men who were
my seniors told me that their seniors had told them。 It was this： 〃If
a man could ascend to heaven and get a clear view of the natural
order of the universe； and the beauty of the heavenly bodies； that
wonderful spectacle would give him small pleasure； though
nothing could be conceived more delightful if he had but had some
one to whom to tell what he had seen。〃 So true it is that nature
abhors isolation； and ever leans upon some…thing as a stay and
support； and this is found in its most pleasing form in our closest
friend。
24。
But though Nature also declares by so many indications what her
wish and object and desire is； we yet in a manner turn a deaf ear
and will not hear her warnings。 The intercourse between friends is
varied and complex； and it must often happen that causes of
suspicion and offence arise； which a wise man will sometimes
avoid； at other times remove； at others treat with indulgence。 The
one possible cause of offence that must be faced is when the
interests of your friend and your own sincerity are at stake。 For
instance； it often happens that friends need remonstrance and even
reproof。 When these are administered in a kindly spirit they ought
to be taken in good part。 But somehow or other there is truth in
what my friend Terence says in his _Andria_：
Compliance gets us friends； plain speaking hate。
Plain speaking is a cause of trouble； if the result of It is
resentment； which is poison of friendship； but compliance is really
the cause of much more trouble； because by indulging his faults it
lets a friend plunge into headlong ruin。 But the man who is most to
blame is he who resents plain speaking and allows flattery to egg
him on to his ruin。 On this point； then； from first to last there is
need of deliberation and care。 If we remonstrate； it should be
without bitterness； if we reprove； there should be no word of
insult。 In the matter of compliance （for I am glad to adopt
Terence's word）； though there should be every courtesy； yet that
base kind which assists a man in vice should be far from us； for it
is unworthy of a free…born man； to say nothing of a friend。 It is one
thing to live with a tyrant； another with a friend。 But if a man's ears
are so closed to plain speaking that be cannot hear to hear the truth
from a friend； we may give him 〃p in despair。 This remark of
Cato's； as so many of his did； shews great acuteness： 〃There are
people who owe more to bitter enemies than to apparently pleasant
friends： the former often speak the truth； the latter never。〃 Besides；
it is a strange paradox that the recipients of advice should feel no
annoyance where they ought to feel it； and yet feel so much where
they ought not。 They are not at all vexed at having committed a
fault； but very angry at being reproved for it。 On the contrary； they
ought to be grieved at the crime and glad of the correction。
25。 Well； then； if it is true that to give a