按键盘上方向键 ← 或 → 可快速上下翻页，按键盘上的 Enter 键可回到本书目录页，按键盘上方向键 ↑ 可回到本页顶部！
————未阅读完？加入书签已便下次继续阅读！
these people accepted illness and sorrow without any perplexity or
opposition； and with a quiet and firm conviction that all is good。
In contradistinction to us； who the wiser we are the less we
understand the meaning of life； and see some evil irony in the fact
that we suffer and die； these folk live and suffer； and they
approach death and suffering with tranquillity and in most cases
gladly。 In contrast to the fact that a tranquil death； a death
without horror and despair； is a very rare exception in our circle；
a troubled； rebellious； and unhappy death is the rarest exception
among the people。 and such people； lacking all that for us and for
Solomon is the only good of life and yet experiencing the greatest
happiness； are a great multitude。 I looked more widely around me。
I considered the life of the enormous mass of the people in the
past and the present。 And of such people； understanding the
meaning of life and able to live and to die； I saw not two or
three； or tens； but hundreds； thousands； and millions。 and they
all endlessly different in their manners； minds； education； and
position； as they were all alike； in complete contrast to my
ignorance； knew the meaning of life and death； laboured quietly；
endured deprivations and sufferings； and lived and died seeing
therein not vanity but good。
And I learnt to love these people。 The more I came to know
their life； the life of those who are living and of others who are
dead of whom I read and heard； the more I loved them and the easier
it became for me to live。 So I went on for about two years； and a
change took place in me which had long been preparing and the
promise of which had always been in me。 It came about that the
life of our circle； the rich and learned； not merely became
distasteful to me； but lost all meaning in my eyes。 All our
actions； discussions； science and art； presented itself to me in a
new light。 I understood that it is all merely self…indulgence； and
the to find a meaning in it is impossible； while the life of the
whole labouring people； the whole of mankind who produce life；
appeared to me in its true significance。 I understood that *that*
is life itself； and that the meaning given to that life is true：
and I accepted it。
XI
And remembering how those very beliefs had repelled me and had
seemed meaningless when professed by people whose lives conflicted
with them； and how these same beliefs attracted me and seemed
reasonable when I saw that people lived in accord with them； I
understood why I had then rejected those beliefs and found them
meaningless； yet now accepted them and found them full of meaning。
I understood that I had erred； and why I erred。 I had erred not so
much because I thought incorrectly as because I lived badly。 I
understood that it was not an error in my thought that had hid
truth from me as much as my life itself in the exceptional
conditions of epicurean gratification of desires in which I passed
it。 I understood that my question as to what my life is； and the
answer and evil was quite correct。 The only mistake was that
the answer referred only to my life； while I had referred it to
life in general。 I asked myself what my life is； and got the
reply： An evil and an absurdity。 and really my life a life of
indulgence of desires was senseless and evil； and therefore the
reply； 〃Life is evil and an absurdity〃； referred only to my life；
but not to human life in general。 I understood the truth which I
afterwards found in the Gospels； 〃that men loved darkness rather
than the light； for their works were evil。 For everyone that doeth
ill hateth the light； and cometh not to the light； lest his works
should be reproved。〃 I perceived that to understand the meaning of
life it is necessary first that life should not be meaningless and
evil； then we can apply reason to explain it。 I understood why I
had so long wandered round so evident a truth； and that if one is
to think and speak of the life of mankind； one must think and speak
of that life and not of the life of some of life's parasites。 That
truth was always as true as that two and two are four； but I had
not acknowledged it； because on admitting two and two to be four I
had also to admit that I was bad； and to feel myself to be good was
for me more important and necessary than for two and two to be
four。 I came to love good people； hated myself； and confessed the
truth。 Now all became clear to me。
What if an executioner passing his whole life in torturing
people and cutting off their heads； or a hopeless drunkard； or a
madman settled for life in a dark room which he has fouled and
imagines that he would perish if he left what if he asked
himself： 〃What is life？〃 Evidently he could not other reply to
that question than that life is the greatest evil； and the madman's
answer would be perfectly correct； but only as applied to himself。
What if I am such a madman？ What if all we rich and leisured
people are such madmen？ and I understood that we really are such
madmen。 I at any rate was certainly such。
And indeed a bird is so made that it must fly； collect food；
and build a nest； and when I see that a bird does this I have
pleasure in its joy。 A goat； a hare； and a wolf are so made that
they must feed themselves； and must breed and feed their family；
and when they do so I feel firmly assured that they are happy and
that their life is a reasonable one。 then what should a man do？
He too should produce his living as the animals do； but with this
difference； that he will perish if he does it alone； he must obtain
it not for himself but for all。 And when he does that； I have a
firm assurance that he is happy and that his life is reasonable。
But what had I done during the whole thirty years of my responsible
life？ Far from producing sustenance for all； I did not even
produce it for myself。 I lived as a parasite； and on asking
myself； what is the use of my life？ I got the reply： 〃No use。〃 If
the meaning of human life lies in supporting it； how could I who
for thirty years had been engaged not on supporting life but on
destroying it in myself and in others how could I obtain any
other answer than that my life was senseless and an evil？ 。。。 It
was both senseless and evil。
The life of the world endures by someone's will by the life
of the whole world and by our lives someone fulfills his purpose。
To hope to understand the meaning of that will one must first
perform it by doing what is wanted of us。 But if I will not do
what is wanted of me； I shall never understand what is wanted of
me； and still less what is wanted of us all and of the whole world。
If a naked； hungry beggar has been taken from the cross…roads；
brought into a building belonging to a beautiful establishment；
fed； supplied with drink； and obliged to move a handle up and down；
evidently； before discussing why he was taken； why he should move
the handle； and whether the whole establishment is reasonably
arranged the begger should first of all move the handle。 If he
moves the handle he will understand that it works a pump； that the
pump draws water and that the water irrigates the garden beds； then
he will be taken from the pumping station to another place where he
will gather fruits and will enter into the joy of his master； and；
passing from lower to higher work； will understand more and more of
the arrangements of the establishment； and taking part in it will
never think of asking why he is there； and will certainly not
reproach the master。
So those who do his will； the simple； unlearned working folk；
whom we regard as cattle； do not reproach the master； but we； the
wise； eat the master's food but do not do what the master wishes；
and instead of doing it sit in a circle and discuss： 〃Why should
that handle be moved？ Isn't it stupid？〃 So we have decided。 We
have decided that the master is stupid； or does not exist； and that
we are wise； only we feel that we are quite useless and that we
must somehow do away with ourselves。
XII
The consciousness of the error in reasonable knowledge helped
me to free myself from the temptation of idle ratiocination。 the
conviction that knowledge of truth can only be found by living led
me to doubt the rightness of my life； but I was saved only by the
fact that I was able to tear myself from my exclusiveness and to
see the real life of the plain working people； and to understand
that it alone is real life。 I understood that if I wish to
understand life and its meaning； I must not live the life of a
parasite； but must live a real life； and taking the meaning
given to live by real humanity and merging myself in that life
verify it。
During that time this is what happened to me。 During that
whole year； when I was asking mys