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THE HISTORY OF TROILUS AND CRESSIDA
ACT V。
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THE HISTORY OF TROILUS AND CRESSIDA
SCENE 1。 The Grecian camp。 Before the tent of
ACHILLES
Enter ACHILLES and PATROCLUS
ACHILLES。 I'll heat his blood with Greekish wine to…night； Which
with my scimitar I'll cool to…morrow。 Patroclus； let us feast him to the
height。 PATROCLUS。 Here comes Thersites。
Enter THERSITES
ACHILLES。 How now； thou core of envy！ Thou crusty batch of
nature； what's the news？ THERSITES。 Why； thou picture of what thou
seemest； and idol of idiot worshippers； here's a letter for thee。 ACHILLES。
From whence； fragment？ THERSITES。 Why； thou full dish of fool； from
Troy。 PATROCLUS。 Who keeps the tent now？ THERSITES。 The
surgeon's box or the patient's wound。 PATROCLUS。 Well said； Adversity！
and what needs these tricks？ THERSITES。 Prithee； be silent； boy； I profit
not by thy talk； thou art said to be Achilles' male varlet。 PATROCLUS。
Male varlet； you rogue！ What's that？ THERSITES。 Why； his masculine
whore。 Now； the rotten diseases of the south； the guts…griping ruptures；
catarrhs； loads o' gravel in the back； lethargies； cold palsies； raw eyes； dirt…
rotten livers； wheezing lungs； bladders full of imposthume； sciaticas；
limekilns i' th' palm； incurable bone…ache； and the rivelled fee… simple of
the tetter； take and take again such preposterous discoveries！
PATROCLUS。 Why； thou damnable box of envy； thou； what meanest thou
to curse thus？ THERSITES。 Do I curse thee？ PATROCLUS。 Why； no； you
ruinous butt； you whoreson indistinguishable cur； no。 THERSITES。 No！
Why art thou； then； exasperate； thou idle immaterial skein of sleid silk；
thou green sarcenet flap for a sore eye； thou tassel of a prodigal's purse；
thou？ Ah； how the poor world is pest'red with such water…flies…diminutives
of nature！ PATROCLUS。 Out； gall！ THERSITES。 Finch egg！ ACHILLES。
My sweet Patroclus； I am thwarted quite From my great purpose in to…
morrow's battle。 Here is a letter from Queen Hecuba； A token from her
daughter； my fair love； Both taxing me and gaging me to keep An oath that
I have sworn。 I will not break it。 Fall Greeks； fail fame； honour or go or
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THE HISTORY OF TROILUS AND CRESSIDA
stay； My major vow lies here； this I'll obey。 Come； come； Thersites； help
to trim my tent； This night in banqueting must all be spent。 Away；
Patroclus！ Exit with PATROCLUS THERSITES。 With too much blood
and too little brain these two may run mad； but； if with too much brain and
to little blood they do； I'll be a curer of madmen。 Here's Agamemnon； an
honest fellow enough； and one that loves quails； but he has not so much
brain as ear…wax； and the goodly transformation of Jupiter there； his
brother； the bull； the primitive statue and oblique memorial of cuckolds； a
thrifty shoeing…horn in a chain； hanging at his brother's leg…to what form
but that he is； should wit larded with malice； and malice forced with wit；
turn him to？ To an ass； were nothing： he is both ass and ox。 To an ox； were
nothing： he is both ox and ass。 To be a dog； a mule； a cat； a fitchew； a toad；
a lizard； an owl； a put…tock； or a herring without a roe； I would not care；
but to be Menelaus； I would conspire against destiny。 Ask me not what I
would be； if I were not Thersites； for I care not to be the louse of a lazar；
so I were not Menelaus。 Hey…day！ sprites and fires！
Enter HECTOR； TROILUS； AJAX； AGAMEMNON； ULYSSES；
NESTOR； MENELAUS； and DIOMEDES； with lights
AGAMEMNON。 We go wrong； we go wrong。 AJAX。 No； yonder 'tis；
There； where we see the lights。 HECTOR。 I trouble you。 AJAX。 No； not a
whit。
Re…enter ACHILLES
ULYSSES。 Here comes himself to guide you。 ACHILLES。 Welcome；
brave Hector； welcome； Princes all。 AGAMEMNON。 So now； fair Prince
of Troy； I bid good night； Ajax commands the guard to tend on you。
HECTOR。 Thanks； and good night to the Greeks' general。 MENELAUS。
Good night； my lord。 HECTOR。 Good night； sweet Lord Menelaus。
THERSITES。 Sweet draught！ 'Sweet' quoth 'a？ Sweet sink； sweet sewer！
ACHILLES。 Good night and welcome； both at once； to those That go or
tarry。 AGAMEMNON。 Good night。 Exeunt AGAMEMNON and
MENELAUS ACHILLES。 Old Nestor tarries； and you too； Diomed； Keep
Hector company an hour or two。 DIOMEDES。 I cannot； lord； I have
important business； The tide whereof is now。 Good night； great Hector。
HECTOR。 Give me your hand。 ULYSSES。 ＇Aside to TROILUS＇ Follow
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THE HISTORY OF TROILUS AND CRESSIDA
his torch； he goes to Calchas' tent； I'll keep you company。 TROILUS。
Sweet sir； you honour me。 HECTOR。 And so； good night。 Exit
DIOMEDES； ULYSSES and TROILUS following ACHILLES。 Come；
come； enter my tent。 Exeunt all but THERSITES THERSITES。 That same
Diomed's a false…hearted rogue； a most unjust knave； I will no more trust
him when he leers than I will a serpent when he hisses。 He will spend his
mouth and promise； like Brabbler the hound； but when he performs；
astronomers foretell it： it is prodigious； there will come some change； the
sun borrows of the moon when Diomed keeps his word。 I will rather leave
to see Hector than not to dog him。 They say he keeps a Troyan drab； and
uses the traitor Calchas' tent。 I'll after。 Nothing but lechery！ All incontinent
varlets！ Exit
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THE HISTORY OF TROILUS AND CRESSIDA
SCENE 2。 The Grecian camp。 Before CALCHAS'
tent
Enter DIOMEDES
DIOMEDES。 What； are you up here； ho？ Speak。 CALCHAS。 ＇Within＇
Who calls？ DIOMEDES。 Diomed。 Calchas； I think。 Where's your daughter？
CALCHAS。 ＇Within＇ She comes to you。
Enter TROILUS and ULYSSES； at a distance； after them
THERSITES
ULYSSES。 Stand where the torch may not discover us。
Enter CRESSIDA
TROILUS。 Cressid comes forth to him。 DIOMEDES。 How now； my
charge！ CRESSIDA。 Now； my sweet guardian！ Hark； a word with you。
＇Whispers＇ TROILUS。 Yea； so familiar！ ULYSSES。 She will sing any man
at first sight。 THERSITES。 And any man may sing her； if he can take her
cliff； she's noted。 DIOMEDES。 Will you remember？ CRESSIDA。
Remember？ Yes。 DIOMEDES。 Nay； but do； then； And let your mind be
coupled with your words。 TROILUS。 What shall she remember？
ULYSSES。 List！ CRESSIDA。 Sweet honey Greek； tempt me no more to
folly。 THERSITES。 Roguery！ DIOMEDES。 Nay； then… CRESSIDA。 I'll
tell you what… DIOMEDES。 Fo； fo！ come； tell a pin； you are a forsworn…
CRESSIDA。 In faith； I cannot。 What would you have me do？ THERSITES。
A juggling trick； to be secretly open。 DIOMEDES。 What did you swear
you would bestow on me？ CRESSIDA。 I prithee； do not hold me to mine
oath； Bid me do anything but that； sweet Greek。 DIOMEDES。 Good night。
TROILUS。 Hold； patience！ ULYSSES。 How now； Troyan！ CRESSIDA。
Diomed！ DIOMEDES。 No； no； good night； I'll be your fool no more。
TROILUS。 Thy better must。 CRESSIDA。 Hark！ a word in your ear。
TROILUS。 O plague and madness！ ULYSSES。 You are moved； Prince； let