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DECEMBER 24。
As I anticipated； the ambassador occasions me infinite annoyance。 He is the most punctilious blockhead under heaven。 He does everything step by step； with the trifling minuteness of an old woman； and he is a man whom it is impossible to please； because he is never pleased with himself。 I like to do business regularly and cheerfully； and； when it is finished； to leave it。 But he constantly returns my papers to me； saying； 〃They will do；〃 but recommending me to look over them again； as 〃one may always improve by using a better word or a more appropriate particle。〃 I then lose all patience； and wish myself at the devil's。 Not a conjunction； not an adverb； must be omitted： he has a deadly antipathy to all those transpositions of which I am so fond； and； if the music of our periods is not tuned to the established； official key； he cannot comprehend our meaning。 It is deplorable to be connected with such a fellow。
My acquaintance with the Count C is the only compensation for such an evil。 He told me frankly； the other day； that he was much displeased with the difficulties and delays of the ambassador； that people like him are obstacles； both to themselves and to others。 〃But；〃 added he； 〃one must submit； like a traveller who has to ascend a mountain： if the mountain was not there； the road would be both shorter and pleasanter； but there it is； and he must get over it。〃 The old man perceives the count's partiality for me： this annoys him； and； he seizes every opportunity to depreciate the count in my hearing。 I naturally defend him； and that only makes matters worse。 Yesterday he made me indignant； for he also alluded to me。 〃The count；〃 he said； 〃is a man of the world； and a good man of business： his style is good； and he writes with facility； but； like other geniuses； he has no solid learning。〃 He looked at me with an expression that seemed to ask if I felt the blow。 But it did not produce the desired effect： I despise a man who can think and act in such a manner。 However； I made a stand； and answered with not a little warmth。 The count； I said； was a man entitled to respect； alike for his character and his acquirements。 I had never met a person whose mind was stored with more useful and extensive knowledge； who had； in fact； mastered such an infinite variety of subjects； and who yet retained all his activity for the details of ordinary business。 This was altogether beyond his comprehension； and I took my leave； lest my anger should be too highly excited by some new absurdity of his。
And you are to blame for all this； you who persuaded me to bend my neck to this yoke by preaching a life of activity to me。 If the man who plants vegetables； and carries his corn to town on market…days； is not more usefully employed than I am； then let me work ten years longer at the galleys to which I am now chained。
Oh； the brilliant wretchedness； the weariness； that one is doomed to witness among the silly people whom we meet in society here！ The ambition of rank！ How they watch； how they toil； to gain precedence！ What poor and contemptible passions are displayed in their utter nakedness！ We have a woman here； for example； who never ceases to entertain the company with accounts of her family and her estates。 Any stranger would consider her a silly being； whose head was turned by her pretensions to rank and property； but she is in reality even more ridiculous； the daughter of a mere magistrate's clerk from this neighbourhood。 I cannot understand how human beings can so debase themselves。
Every day I observe more and more the folly of judging of others by ourselves； and I have so much trouble with myseif； and my own heart is in such constant agitation； that I am well content to let others pursue their own course； if they only allow me the same privilege。
What provokes me most is the unhappy extent to which distinctions of rank are carried。 I know perfectly well how necessary are inequalities of condition； and I am sensible of the advantages I myself derive therefrom； but I would not have these institutions prove a barrier to the small chance of happiness which I may enjoy on this earth。
I have lately become acquainted with a Miss B； a very agreeable girl； who has retained her natural manners in the midst of artificial life。 Our first conversation pleased us both equally； and； at taking leave； I requested permission to visit her。 She consented in so obliging a manner； that I waited with impatience for the arrival of the happy moment。 She is not a native of this place； but resides here with her aunt。 The countenance of the old lady is not prepossessing。 I paid her much attention； addressing the greater part of my conversation to her； and； in less than half an hour； I discovered what her niece subsequently acknowledged to me； that her aged aunt； having but a small fortune； and a still smaller share of understanding； enjoys no satisfaction except in the pedigree of her ancestors； no protection save in her noble birth； and no enjoyment but in looking from her castle over the heads of the humble citizens。 She was； no doubt； handsome in her youth； and in her early years probably trifled away her time in rendering many a poor youth the sport of her caprice： in her riper years she has submitted to the yoke of a veteran officer； who； in return for her person and her small independence； has spent with her what we may designate her age of brass。 He is dead； and she is now a widow； and deserted。 She spends her iron age alone； and would not be approached； except for the loveliness of her niece。
JANUARY 8； 1772。
What beings are men； whose whole thoughts are occupied with form and ceremony； who for years together devote their mental and physical exertions to the task of advancing themselves but one step； and endeavouring to occupy a higher place at the table。 Not that such persons would otherwise want employment： on the contrary； they give themselves much trouble by neglecting important business for such petty trifles。 Last week a question of precedence arose at a sledging…party； and all our amusement was spoiled。
The silly creatures cannot see that it is not place which constitutes real greatness； since the man who occupies the first place but seldom plays the principal part。 How many kings are governed by their ministers how many ministers by their secretaries？ Who； in such cases； is really the chief？ He； as it seems to me； who can see through the others； and possesses strength or skill enough to make their power or passions subservient to the execution of his own designs。
JANUARY 20。
I must write to you from this place； my dear Charlotte； from a small room in a country inn； where I have taken shelter from a severe storm。 During my whole residence in that wretched place D； where I lived amongst strangers； strangers； indeed； to this heart； I never at any time felt the smallest inclination to correspond with you； but in this cottage； in this retirement； in this solitude； with the snow and hail beating against my lattice…pane； you are my first thought。 The instant I entered； your figure rose up before me； and the remembrance！ O my Charlotte； the sacred； tender remembrance！ Gracious Heaven！ restore to me the happy moment of our first acquaintance。
Could you but see me； my dear Charlotte； in the whirl of dissipation； how my senses are dried up； but my heart is at no time full。 I enjoy no single moment of happiness： all is vain nothing touches me。 I stand； as it were； before the raree…show： I see the little puppets move； and I ask whether it is not an optical illusion。 I am amused with these puppets； or； rather； I am myself one of them： but； when I sometimes grasp my neighbour's hand； I feel that it is not natural； and I withdraw mine with a shudder。 In the evening I say I will enjoy the next morning's sunrise； and yet I remain in bed： in the day I promise to ramble by moonlight； and I； nevertheless； remain at home。 I know not why I rise； nor why I go to sleep。
The leaven which animated my existence is gone： the charm which cheered me in the gloom of night； and aroused me from my morning slumbers； is for ever fled。
I have found but one being here to interest me； a Miss B。 She resembles you； my dear Charlotte； if any one can possibly resemble you。 〃Ah！〃 you will say； 〃he has learned how to pay fine compliments。〃 And this is partly true。 I have been very agreeable lately； as it was not in my power to be otherwise。 I have； moreover； a deal of wit： and the ladies say that no one understands flattery better； or falsehoods you will add； since the one accomplishment invariably accompanies the other。 But I must tell you of Miss B。 She has abundance of soul； which flashes from her deep blue eyes。 Her rank is a torment to her； and satisfies no one desire of her heart。 She would gladly retire from this whirl of fashion； and we often picture to ourselves a life of undisturbed happiness in distant scenes of rural retirement： and then we speak of you； my dear Charlotte； for she knows you； and renders homage to your merits； but her homage is not exacted； but voluntary； she loves you； and delights to hear you made the subject of conversation。
Oh； that I were sitting at your fee