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shall always be insulted by every louse； that is my doom！ And
what is it to me that you don't understand a word of this！ And
what do I care； what do I care about you； and whether you go to
ruin there or not？ Do you understand？ How I shall hate you now
after saying this； for having been here and listening。 Why； it's
not once in a lifetime a man speaks out like this； and then it is
in hysterics！ 。。。What more do you want？ Why do you still stand
confronting me； after all this？ Why are you worrying me？ Why
don't you go？〃
But at this point a strange thing happened。 I was so accustomed
to think and imagine everything from books； and to picture
everything in the world to myself just as I had made it up in my
dreams beforehand； that I could not all at once take in this
strange circumstance。 What happened was this： Liza； insulted and
crushed by me； understood a great deal more than I imagined。 She
understood from all this what a woman understands first of all；
if she feels genuine love； that is； that I was myself unhappy。
The frightened and wounded expression on her face was followed
first by a look of sorrowful perplexity。 When I began calling
myself a scoundrel and a blackguard and my tears flowed （the
tirade was accompanied throughout by tears） her whole face worked
convulsively。 She was on the point of getting up and stopping
me； when I finished she took no notice of my shouting： 〃Why are
you here； why don't you go away？〃 but realised only that it must
have been very bitter to me to say all this。 Besides； she was so
crushed； poor girl； she considered herself infinitely beneath me；
how could she feel anger or resentment？ She suddenly leapt up
from her chair with an irresistible impulse and held out her
hands； yearning towards me； though still timid and not daring to
stir。。。。 At this point there was a revulsion in my heart too。
Then she suddenly rushed to me； threw her arms round me and burst
into tears。 I； too； could not restrain myself； and sobbed as I
never had before。。。
〃They won't let me。。。I can't be。。。good！〃 I managed to articulate；
then I went to the sofa； fell on it face downwards； and sobbed on
it for a quarter of an hour in genuine hysterics。 She came close
to me； put her arms round me and stayed motionless in that
position。 But the trouble was that the hysterics could not go on
for ever； and （I am writing the loathsome truth） lying face
downwards on the sofa with my face thrust into my nasty leather
pillow； I began by degrees to be aware of a far…away； involuntary
but irresistible feeling that it would be awkward now for me to
raise my head and look Liza straight in the face。 Why was I
ashamed？ I don't know； but I was ashamed。 The thought； too；
came into my overwrought brain that our parts now were completely
changed； that she was now the heroine； while I was just a crushed
and humiliated creature as she had been before me that
nightfour days before。。。。 And all this came into my mind during
the minutes I was lying on my face on the sofa。
My God！ surely I was not envious of her then。
I don't know； to this day I cannot decide； and at the time； of
course； I was still less able to understand what I was feeling
than now。 I cannot get on without domineering and tyrannising
over someone； but 。。。 there is no explaining anything by
reasoning and so it is useless to reason。
I conquered myself； however； and raised my head； I had to do so
sooner or later。。。and I am convinced to this day that it was just
became I was ashamed to look at her that another feeling was
suddenly kindled and flamed up in my heart。。。a feeling of mastery
and possession。 My eyes gleamed with passion； and I gripped her
hands tightly。 How I hated her and how I was drawn to her at
that minute！ The one feeling intensified the other。 It was
almost like an act of vengeance。 At first there was a look of
amazement； even of terror on her face； but only for one instant。
She warmly and rapturously embraced me。
X
A quarter of an hour later I was rushing up and down the room in
frenzied impatience； from minute to minute I went up to the
screen and peeped through the crack at Liza。 She was sitting on
the floor with her head leaning against the bed； and must have
been crying。 But she did not go away； and that irritated me。
This time she understood it all。 I had insulted her finally；
but。。。there's no need to describe it。 She realised that my
outburst of passion had been simply revenge； a fresh humiliation；
and that to my earlier； almost causeless hatred was added now a
_personal hatred_； born of envy。。。。Though I do not maintain
positively that she understood all this distinctly； but she
certainly did fully understand that I was a despicable man； and
what was worse； incapable of loving her。
I know I shall be told that this is incrediblebut it is
incredible to be as spiteful and stupid as I was； it may be added
that it was strange I should not love her； or at any rate；
appreciate her love。 Why is it strange？ In the first place； by
then I was incapable of love； for I repeat； with me loving meant
tyrannising and showing my moral superiority。 I have never in my
life been able to imagine any other sort of love； and have
nowadays come to the point of sometimes thinking that love really
consists in the rightfreely given by the beloved objectto
tyrannise over her。
Even in my underground dreams I did not imagine love except as a
struggle。 I began it always with hatred and ended it with moral
subjugation； and afterwards I never knew what to do with the
subjugated object。 And what is there to wonder at in that； since
I had succeeded in so corrupting myself； since I was so out of
touch with 〃real life；〃 as to have actually thought of
reproaching her； and putting her to shame for having come to me
to hear 〃fine sentiments〃； and did not even guess that she had
come not to hear fine sentiments； but to love me； because to a
woman all reformation； all salvation from any sort of ruin； and
all moral renewal is included in love and can only show itself in
that form。
I did not hate her so much； however； when I was running about the
room and peeping through the crack in the screen。 I was only
insufferably oppressed by her being here。 I wanted her to
disappear。 I wanted 〃peace；〃 to be left alone in my underground
world。 Real life oppressed me with its novelty so much that I
could hardly breathe。
But several minutes passed and she still remained； without
stirring； as though she were unconscious。 I had the
shamelessness to tap softly at the screen as though to remind
her。。。。She started； sprang up； and flew to seek her kerchief； her
hat； her coat； as though making her escape from me。。。。Two minutes
later she came from behind the screen and looked with heavy eyes
at me。 I gave a spiteful grin； which was forced； however； to
_keep up appearances_； and I turned away from her eyes。
〃Good…bye；〃 she said； going towards the door。
I ran up to her； seized her hand； opened it； thrust something in
it and closed it again。 Then I turned at once and dashed away in
haste to the other corner of the room to avoid seeing； anyway。。。。
I did mean a moment since to tell a lieto write that I did this
accidentally； not knowing what I was doing through foolishness；
through losing my head。 But I don't want to lie； and so I will
say straight out that I opened her hand and put the money in
it。。。from spite。 It came into my head to do this while I was
running up and down the room and she was sitting behind the
screen。 But this I can say for certain： though I did that cruel
thing purposely； it was not an impulse from the heart； but came
from my evil brain。 This cruelty was so affected； so purposely
made up； so completely a product of the brain； of books； that I
could not even keep it up a minutefirst I dashed away to avoid
seeing her； and then in shame and despair rushed after Liza。 I
opened the door in the passage and began listening。
〃Liza！ Liza！〃 I cried on the stairs； but in a low voice； not
boldly。
There was no answer； but I fancied I heard her footsteps； lower
down on the stairs。
〃Liza！〃 I cried； more loudly。
No answer。 But at that minute I heard the stiff outer glass door
open heavily with a creak and slam violently； the sound echoed up
the stairs。
She had gone。 I went back to my room in hesitation。 I felt
horribly oppressed。
I stood still at the table； beside the chair on which she had sat
and looked aimlessly before me。 A minute passed； suddenly I
started； straight before me on the table I saw 。。。。 In short； I
saw a crumpled blue five…rouble note； the one I had thrust into
her hand a minute before。 It was the same note； it could be no
other； there was no other in the flat。 So she had managed to
fling it from her hand on the table at the moment when I had
d