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enough to have； though not necessary； because the inhabitants point out
the two birthplaces to the stranger anyhow； and sometimes as often as
several times in the same day。 The subject of this memoir was of a
vicious disposition； and early prostituted his talents to the invention
of maxims and aphorisms calculated to inflict suffering upon the rising
generation of all subsequent ages。 His simplest acts； also； were
contrived with a view to their being held up for the emulation of boys
foreverboys who might otherwise have been happy。 It was in this spirit
that he became the son of a soap…boiler； and probably for no other reason
than that the efforts of all future boys who tried to be anything might
be looked upon with suspicion unless they were the sons of soap…boilers。
With a malevolence which is without parallel in history； he would work
all day； and then sit up nights； and let on to be studying algebra by the
light of a smoldering fire； so that all other boys might have to do that
also； or else have Benjamin Franklin thrown up to them。 Not satisfied
with these proceedings； he had a fashion of living wholly on bread and
water； and studying astronomy at meal…timea thing which has brought
affliction to millions of boys since； whose fathers had read Franklin's
pernicious biography。
His maxims were full of animosity toward boys。 Nowadays a boy cannot
follow out a single natural instinct without tumbling over some of those
everlasting aphorisms and hearing from Franklin； on the spot。 If he buys
two cents' worth of peanuts； his father says； 〃Remember what Franklin has
said； my son'A grout a day's a penny a year〃'； and the comfort is all
gone out of those peanuts。 If he wants to spin his top when he has done
work； his father quotes； 〃Procrastination is the thief of time。〃 If he
does a virtuous action； he never gets anything for it； because 〃Virtue is
its own reward。〃 And that boy is hounded to death and robbed of his
natural rest； because Franklin； said once； in one of his inspired flights
of malignity：
Early to bed and early to rise
Makes a man healthy and wealthy and wise。
As if it were any object to a boy to be healthy and wealthy and wise on
such terms。 The sorrow that that maxim has cost me； through my parents；
experimenting on me with it； tongue cannot tell。 The legitimate result is
my present state of general debility； indigence； and mental aberration。
My parents used to have me up before nine o'clock in the morning
sometimes when I was a boy。 If they had let me take my natural rest
where would I have been now？ Keeping store； no doubt； and respected by
all。
And what an adroit old adventurer the subject of this memoir was！
In order to get a chance to fly his kite on Sunday he used to hang a key
on the string and let on to be fishing for lightning。 And a guileless
public would go home chirping about the 〃wisdom〃 and the 〃genius〃 of the
hoary Sabbath…breaker。 If anybody caught him playing 〃mumblepeg〃 by
himself； after the age of sixty； he would immediately appear to be
ciphering out how the grass grewas if it was any of his business。
My grandfather knew him well； and he says Franklin was always
fixedalways ready。 If a body； during his old age； happened on him
unexpectedly when he was catching flies； or making mud…pies； or sliding
on a cellar door； he would immediately look wise； and rip out a maxim；
and walk off with his nose in the air and his cap turned wrong side
before； trying to appear absent…minded and eccentric。 He was a hard lot。
He invented a stove that would smoke your head off in four hours by the
clock。 One can see the almost devilish satisfaction he took in it by his
giving it his name。
He was always proud of telling how he entered Philadelphia for the first
time； with nothing in the world but two shillings in his pocket and four
rolls of bread under his arm。 But really； when you come to examine it
critically； it was nothing。 Anybody could have done it。
To the subject of this memoir belongs the honor of recommending the army
to go back to bows and arrows in place of bayonets and muskets。
He observed； with his customary force； that the bayonet was very well
under some circumstances； but that he doubted whether it could be used
with accuracy at a long range。
Benjamin Franklin did a great many notable things for his country；
and made her young name to be honored in many lands as the mother of such
a son。 It is not the idea of this memoir to ignore that or cover it up。
No； the simple idea of it is to snub those pretentious maxims of his；
which he worked up with a great show of originality out of truisms that
had become wearisome platitudes as early as the dispersion from Babel；
and also to snub his stove； and his military inspirations； his unseemly
endeavor to make himself conspicuous when he entered Philadelphia； and
his flying his kite and fooling away his time in all sorts of such ways
when he ought to have been foraging for soap…fat； or constructing
candles。 I merely desired to do away with somewhat of the prevalent
calamitous idea among heads of families that Franklin acquired his great
genius by working for nothing； studying by moonlight； and getting up in
the night instead of waiting till morning like a Christian； and that this
program； rigidly inflicted； will make a Franklin of every father's fool。
It is time these gentlemen were finding out that these execrable
eccentricities of instinct and conduct are only the evidences of genius；
not the creators of it。 I wish I had been the father of my parents long
enough to make them comprehend this truth； and thus prepare them to let
their son have an easier time of it。 When I was a child I had to boil
soap； notwithstanding my father was wealthy； and I had to get up early
and study geometry at breakfast； and peddle my own poetry； and do
everything just as Franklin did； in the solemn hope that I would be a
Franklin some day。 And here I am。
MR。 BLOKE'S ITEM ＇Written about 1865。＇
Our esteemed friend； Mr。 John William Bloke； of Virginia City； walked
into the office where we are sub…editor at a late hour last night； with
an expression of profound and heartfelt suffering upon his countenance；
and； sighing heavily； laid the following item reverently upon the desk；
and walked slowly out again。 He paused a moment at the door； and seemed
struggling to command his feelings sufficiently to enable him to speak；
and then； nodding his head toward his manuscript； ejaculated in a broken
voice； 〃Friend of mineoh！ how sad！〃 and burst into tears。 We were so
moved at his distress that we did not think to call him back and endeavor
to comfort him until he was gone； and it was too late。 The paper had
already gone to press； but knowing that our friend would consider the
publication of this item important； and cherishing the hope that to print
it would afford a melancholy satisfaction to his sorrowing heart； we
stopped； the press at once and inserted it in our columns：
DISTRESSING ACCIDENT。Last evening； about six o'clock； as Mr。
William Schuyler； an old and respectable citizen of South Park； was
leaving his residence to go down…town； as has been his usual custom
for many years with the exception only of a short interval in the
spring of 1850； during which he was confined to his bed by injuries
received in attempting to stop a runaway horse by thoughtlessly
placing himself directly in its wake and throwing up his hands and
shouting； which if he had done so even a single moment sooner； must
inevitably have frightened the animal still more instead of checking
its speed； although disastrous enough to himself as it was； and
rendered more melancholy and distressing by reason of the presence
of his wife's mother； who was there and saw the sad occurrence
notwithstanding it is at least likely； though not necessarily so；
that she should be reconnoitering in another direction when
incidents occur； not being vivacious and on the lookout； as a
general thing； but even the reverse； as her own mother is said to
have stated； who is no more； but died in the full hope of a glorious
resurrection； upwards of three years ago； aged eighty…six； being a
Christian woman and without guile； as it were； or property； in
consequence of the fire of 1849； which destroyed every single thing
she had in the world。 But such is life。 Let us all take warning by
this solemn occurrence； and let us endeavor so to conduct ourselves
that when we come to die we can do it。 Let us place our hands upon
our heart； and say with earnestness and sincerity that from this day
forth we will beware of the intoxicating bowl。'First Edition of
the Californian。'
The head editor has been in here raising the mischief； and tearing his
hair and kicking the furniture about； and abusing me like a pickpocket。
He says that every time he leaves me in charge of the paper for half an
hour I get imposed upon by the first infant or the first idiot that comes
along。 And he says that that distressing item of Mr。 Bloke's is nothin