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number of mortars； siege…guns； and boarding…pikes。 History shows that
small； isolated communities； such as the people of remote islands； are
prone to be hostile to strangers； and so the same may be the case with
THE INHABITANTS OF STARS
of the tenth or twentieth magnitude。 We shall in no case wantonly offend
the people of any star； but shall treat all alike with urbanity and
kindliness； never conducting ourselves toward an asteroid after a fashion
which we could not venture to assume toward Jupiter or Saturn。 I repeat
that we shall not wantonly offend any star； but at the same time we shall
promptly resent any injury that may be done us； or any insolence offered
us； by parties or governments residing in any star in the firmament。
Although averse to the shedding of blood； we shall still hold this course
rigidly and fearlessly； not only toward single stars； but toward
constellations。 We shall hope to leave a good impression of America
behind us in every nation we visit； from Venus to Uranus。 And； at all
events； if we cannot inspire love we shall at least compel respect for
our country wherever we go。 We shall take with us； free of charge；
A GREAT FORCE OF MISSIONARIES；
and shed the true light upon all the celestial orbs which； physically
aglow； are yet morally in darkness。 Sunday…schools will be established
wherever practicable。 Compulsory education will also be introduced。
The comet will visit Mars first； and proceed to Mercury； Jupiter； Venus；
and Saturn。 Parties connected with the government of the District of
Columbia and with the former city government of New York； who may desire
to inspect the rings； will be allowed time and every facility。 Every
star of prominent magnitude will be visited； and time allowed for
excursions to points of interest inland。
THE DOG STAR
has been stricken from the program。 Much time will be spent in the Great
Bear； and； indeed； in every constellation of importance。 So； also； with
the Sun and Moon and the Milky Pay； otherwise the Gulf Stream of the
Skies。 Clothing suitable for wear in the sun should be provided。 Our
program has been so arranged that we shall seldom go more than
100；000；000 of miles at a time without stopping at some star。 This will
necessarily make the stoppages frequent and preserve the interest of the
tourist。 Baggage checked through to any point on the route。 Parties
desiring to make only a part of the proposed tour； and thus save expense；
may stop over at any star they choose and wait for the return voyage。
After visiting all the most celebrated stars and constellations in our
system and personally； inspecting the remotest sparks that even the most
powerful telescope can now detect in the firmament； we shall proceed with
good heart upon
A STUPENDOUS VOYAGE
of discovery among the countless whirling worlds that make turmoil in the
mighty wastes of space that stretch their solemn solitudes； their
unimaginable vastness billions upon billions of miles away beyond the
farthest verge of telescopic vision； till by comparison the little
sparkling vault we used to gaze at on Earth shall seem like a remembered
phosphorescent flash of spangles which some tropical voyager's prow
stirred into life for a single instant； and which ten thousand miles of
phosphorescent seas and tedious lapse of time had since diminished to an
incident utterly trivial in his recollection。 Children occupying seats
at the first table will be charged full fare。
FIRST…CLASS FARE
from the Earth to Uranus； including visits to the Sun and Moon and all
the principal planets on the route； will be charged at the low rate of
2 for every 50；000；000 miles of actual travel。 A great reduction will
be made where parties wish to make the round trip。 This comet is new and
in thorough repair and is now on her first voyage。 She is confessedly
the fastest on the line。 She makes 20；000；000 miles a day； with her
present facilities； but； with a picked American crew and good weather；
we are confident we can get 40；000；000 out of her。 Still； we shall never
push her to a dangerous speed； and we shall rigidly prohibit racing with
other comets。 Passengers desiring to diverge at any point or return will
be transferred to other comets。 We make close connections at all
principal points with all reliable lines。 Safety can be depended upon。
It is not to be denied that the heavens are infested with
OLD RAMSHACKLE COMETS
that have not been inspected or overhauled in 10；000 years； and which
ought long ago to have been destroyed or turned into hail…barges； but
with these we have no connection whatever。 Steerage passengers not
allowed abaft the main hatch。
Complimentary round…trip tickets have been tendered to General Butler；
Mr。 Shepherd； Mr。 Richardson； and other eminent gentlemen； whose public
services have entitled them to the rest and relaxation of a voyage of
this kind。 Parties desiring to make the round trip will have extra
accommodation。 The entire voyage will be completed； and the passengers
landed in New York again； on the 14th of December； 1991。 This is； at
least； forty years quicker than any other comet can do it in。 Nearly all
the back…pay members contemplate making the round trip with us in case
their constituents will allow them a holiday。 Every harmless amusement
will be allowed on board； but no pools permitted on the run of the comet
no gambling of any kind。 All fixed stars will be respected by us； but
such stars as seem； to need fixing we shall fix。 If it makes trouble； we
shall be sorry； but firm。
Mr。 Coggia having leased his comet to us； she will no longer be called by
his name； but by my partner's。 N。 B。Passengers by paying double fare
will be entitled to a share in all the new stars； suns； moons； comets；
meteors； and magazines of thunder and lightning we may discover。 Patent…
medicine people will take notice that
WE CARRY BULLETIN…BOARDS
and a paint…brush along for use in the constellations； and are open to
terms。 Cremationists are reminded that we are going straight tosome
hot placesand are open to terms。 To other parties our enterprise is a
pleasure excursion； but individually we mean business。 We shall fly our
comet for all it is worth。
FOR FURTHER PARTICULARS；
or for freight or passage； apply on board； or to my partner； but not to
me； since I do not take charge of the comet until she is under way。
It is necessary； at a time like this； that my mind should not be burdened
with small business details。
MARK TWAIN。
RUNNING FOR GOVERNOR ＇Written about 1870。＇
A few months ago I was nominated for Governor of the great state of New
York； to run against Mr。 John T。 Smith and Mr。 Blank J。 Blank on an
independent ticket。 I somehow felt that I had one prominent advantage
over these gentlemen； and that wasgood character。 It was easy to see
by the newspapers that if ever they had known what it was to bear a good
name； that time had gone by。 It was plain that in these latter years
they had become familiar with all manner of shameful crimes。 But at the
very moment that I was exalting my advantage and joying in it in secret；
there was a muddy undercurrent of discomfort 〃riling〃 the deeps of my
happiness； and that wasthe having to hear my name bandied about in
familiar connection with those of such people。 I grew more and more
disturbed。 Finally I wrote my grandmother about it。 Her answer came
quick and sharp。 She said：
You have never done one single thing in all your life to be ashamed
ofnot one。 Look at the newspaperslook at them and comprehend
what sort of characters Messrs。 Smith and Blank are； and then see
if you are willing to lower yourself to their level and enter a
public canvass with them。
It was my very thought！ I did not sleep a single moment that night。
But； after all； I could not recede。
I was fully committed； and must go on with the fight。 As I was looking
listlessly over the papers at breakfast I came across this paragraph；
and I may truly say I never was so confounded before。
PERJURY。Perhaps； now that Mr。 Mark Twain is before the people as a
candidate for Governor； he will condescend to explain how he came to
be convicted of perjury by thirty…four witnesses in Wakawak； Cochin
China； in 1863； the intent of which perjury being to rob a poor
native widow and her helpless family of a meager plantain…patch；
their only stay and support in their bereavement and desolation。
Mr。 Twain owes it to himself； as well as to the great people whose
suffrages he asks； to clear this matter up。 Will he do it？
I thought I should burst with amazement！ Such a cruel； heartless charge！
I never had seen Cochin China！ I never had heard of Wakawak ！ I didn't
know a plantain…patch from a kangaroo！ I did not know what to do。 I was
crazed and helpless。 I let the day slip a