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BOEOTIAN
I also bring geese； hares； foxes； moles； hedgehogs； cats； lyres；
martins； otters and eels from the Copaic lake。
DICAEOPOLIS
Ah！ my friend； you； who bring me the most delicious of fish； let
me salute your eels。
BOEOTIAN （in tragic style）
Come； thou； the eldest of my fifty Copaic virgins； come and
complete the joy of our host。
DICAEOPOLIS （likewise）
Oh！ my well…beloved； thou object of my long regrets； thou art here
at last then； thou； after whom the comic poets sigh； thou； who art
dear to Morychus。 Slaves； hither with the stove and the bellows。
Look at this charming eel； that returns to us after six long years
of absence。 Salute it； my children； as for myself； I will supply
coal to do honour to the stranger。 Take it into my house； death itself
could not separate me from her； if cooked with beet leaves。
BOEOTIAN
And what will you give me in return？
DICAEOPOLIS
It will pay for your market dues。 And as to the rest； what do
you wish to sell me？
BOEOTIAN
Why； everything。
DICAEOPOLIS
On what terms？ For ready…money or in wares from these parts？
BOEOTIAN
I would take some Athenian produce； that we have not got in
Boeotia；
DICAEOPOLIS
Phaleric anchovies； pottery？
BOEOTIAN
Anchovies； pottery？ But these we have。 I want produce that is
wanting with us and that is plentiful here。
DICAEOPOLIS
Ah！ I have the very thing； take away an informer； packed up
carefully as crockery…ware。
BOEOTIAN
By the twin gods！ I should earn big money； if I took one； I
would exhibit him as an ape full of spite。
DICAEOPOLIS （as an informer enters）
Hah！ here we have Nicarchus； who comes to denounce you。
BOEOTIAN
How small he is！
DICAEOPOLIS
But all pure evil。
NICARCHUS
Whose are these goods？
DICAEOPOLIS
Mine； they come from Boeotia； I call Zeus to witness。
NICARCHUS
I denounce them as coming from an enemy's country。
BOEOTIAN
What！ you declare war against birds？
NICARCHUS
And I am going to denounce you too。
BOEOTIAN
What harm have I done you？
NICARCHUS
I will say it for the benefit of those that listen； you
introduce lampwicks from an enemy's country。
DICAEOPOLIS
Then you even denounce a wick。
NICARCHUS
It needs but one to set an arsenal afire。
DICAEOPOLIS
A wick set an arsenal ablaze！ But how； great gods？
NICARCHUS
Should a Boeotian attach it to an insect's wing； and； taking
advantage of a violent north wind； throw it by means of a tube into
the arsenal and the fire once get hold of the vessels； everything
would soon be devoured by the flames。
DICAEOPOLIS
Ah！ wretch！ an insect and a wick devour everything！
（He strikes him。）
NICARCHUS （to the CHORUS）
You will bear witness； that he mishandles me。
DICAEOPOLIS （to the BOEOTIAN）
Shut his mouth。 Give me some hay； I am going to pack him up like a
vase； that he may not get broken on the road。
（The INFORMER is bound and gagged and packed in hay。）
LEADER OF THE CHORUS
Pack up your goods carefully； friend； that the stranger may not
break it when taking it away。
DICAEOPOLIS
I shall take great care with it。 （He hits the INFORMER on the head
and a stifled cry is heard。） One would say he is cracked already； he
rings with a false note； which the gods abhor。
LEADER OF THE CHORUS
But what will be done with him？
DICAEOPOLIS
This is a vase good for all purposes； it will be used as a
vessel for holding all foul things； a mortar for pounding together
law…suits； a lamp for spying upon accounts； and as a cup for the
mixing up and poisoning of everything。
LEADER OF THE CHORUS
None could ever trust a vessel for domestic use that has such a
ring about it。
DICAEOPOLIS
Oh！ it is strong； my friend； and will never get broken； if care is
taken to hang it head downwards。
LEADER OF THE CHORUS （to the BOEOTIAN）
There！ it is well packed now！
BOEOTIAN
Well then； I will proceed to carry off my bundle。
LEADER OF THE CHORUS
Farewell； worthiest of strangers； take this informer； good for
anything； and fling him where you like。
DICAEOPOLIS
Bah！ this rogue has given me enough trouble to pack！ Here！
Boeotian； pick up your pottery。
BOEOTIAN
Stoop； Ismenias； that I may put it on your shoulder； and be very
careful with it。
DICAEOPOLIS
You carry nothing worth having； however； take it； for you will
profit by your bargain； the informers will bring you luck。
（The BOEOTIAN and his slave depart； DICAEOPOLIS goes into his house；
a slave comes out of LAMACHUS' house。）
SLAVE
Dicaeopolis！
DICAEOPOLIS （from within）
What's the matter？ Why are you calling me？
SLAVE
Lamachus wants to keep the Feast of Cups； and I come by his
order to bid you one drachma for some thrushes and three more for a
Copaic eel。
DICAEOPOLIS （coming out）
And who is this Lamachus； who demands an eel？
SLAVE （in tragic style）
He is the terrible； indefatigable Lamachus； who is always
brandishing his fearful Gorgon's head and the three plumes which
o'ershadow his helmet。
DICAEOPOLIS
No； no； he will get nothing； even though he gave me his buckler。
Let him eat salt fish while he shakes his plumes； and； if he comes
here making any din； I shall call the inspectors。 As for myself； I
shall take away all these goods； （in tragic style） I go home on
thrushes' wings and black…birds' pinions。 （He goes into his house。）
FIRST SEMI…CHORUS （singing）
You see； citizens； you see the good fortune which this man owes to
his prudence； to his profound wisdom。 You see how； since he has
concluded peace； he buys what is useful in the household and good to
eat hot。 All good things flow towards him unsought。 Never will welcome
the god of war in my house； never shall he sing the 〃Harmodius〃 at
my table； he is a sot； who comes feasting with those who are
overflowing with good things and brings all manner of mischief in
his train。 He overthrows； ruins； rips open； it is vain to make him a
thousand offers； to say 〃be seated； pray； and drink this cup； profered
in all friendship〃； he burns our vine…stocks and brutally spills on
the ground the wine from our vineyards。
SECOND SEMI…CHORUS （singing）
This man； on the other hand； covers his table with a thousand
dishes； proud of his good fortunes； he has had these feathers cast
before his door to show us how he lives。 （A woman appears； bearing the
attributes of Peace。） Oh； Peace！ companion of fair Aphrodite and of
the sweet Graces； how charming are thy features and yet I never knew
it！ Would that Eros might join me to thee； Eros crowned with roses
as Zeuxis shows him to us！ Do I seem somewhat old to thee？ I am yet
able to make thee a threefold offering； despite my age I could plant a
long row of vines for you； then beside these some tender cuttings from
the fig； finally a youn； vinestock； loaded with fruit； and all
around the field olive trees； to furnish us with oil wherewith to
anoint us both at the New Moons。
（A HERALD enters。）
HERALD
Oyez； oyez！ As was the custom of your forebears； empty a full
pitcher of wine at the call of the trumpet； he who first sees the
bottom shall get a wine…skin as round and plump as Ctesiphon's belly。
DICAEOPOLIS （coming out of the house； to his family within）
Women； children； have you not heard？ Faith！ do you not heed the
herald？ Quick！ let the hares boil and roast merrily； keep them
turning； withdraw them from the flame； prepare the chaplets； reach
me the skewers that I may spit the thrushes。
LEADER OF FIRST SEMI…CHORUS
I envy you your wisdom and even more your good cheer。
DICAEOPOLIS
What then will you say when you see the thrushes roasting？
LEADER OF FIRST SEMI…CHORUS
Ah！ true indeed！
DICAEOPOLIS
Slave！ stir up the fire。
LEADER OF FIRST SEMI…CHORUS
See； how he knows his business； what a perfect cook！ How well he
understands the way to prepare a good dinner！
（A HUSBANDMAN enters in haste。）
HUSBANDMAN
Ah！ woe is me！
DICAEOPOLIS
Heracles！ What have we here？
HUSBANDMAN
A most miserable man。
DICAEOPOLIS
Keep your misery for yourself。
HUSBANDMAN
Ah！ friend！ since you alone are enjoying peace； grant me a part of
your truce； were it but five years。
DICAEOPOLIS
What has happened to you？
HUSBANDMAN
I am ruined； I have lost a pair of steers。
DICAEOPOLIS
How？
HUSBANDMAN
The Boeotians seized them at Phyle。
DICAEOPOLIS
Ah！ poor wretch！ and do you still wear white？
HUSBANDMAN
Their dung made my wealth。
DI