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〃Aw； fuck you；〃 said Terry。 〃I'm just a drummer working overtime。 Zach's a singer。〃
Basking in the praise； Zach started to grab a Natty Boho； then realized he had finished his first one onstage and his bladder was full。 〃Is there anywhere I can take a piss back here or do I have to fight my way to the rest room？〃
〃Yeah； if you go way back behind the stage； there's a little bitty John in the far corner。 Nobody's supposed to know about it because it doesn't have a sink； but you can piss there。〃
Zach took off in the direction Terry had pointed him。 A narrow L…shaped hall hooked away into the bowels of the backstage area； virtually lightless。 Zach trailed his hand along the wall to keep his bearings。 The cinder blocks felt cool and moist beneath his fingers； as if he were descending into an underground cave。 Eventually he came to an open door； felt around until he found a light switch； and beheld the dankest； saddest little water closet he had ever laid eyes on。 It was clean； and that almost made it worse： a bathroom this desolate needed roaches and mildew to liven it up。 He hated to imagine Kinsey back here scrubbing the toilet。
Zach peeled his leggings down。 The stream of pee sounded very loud going into the rusty water； and he realized his ears were ringing。 As he readjusted himself； a knock sounded at the door。 I bet I know who that is； Zach thought。
〃Yeah？〃
〃It's Calvin。〃
Bing！ You win the trip to Acapulco and the set of steak knives too。 He opened the door a crack and saw a sparkling eye； a shock of bleached hair； half of a grinning mouth。
〃Just wanted to see if you were done。 I gotta go too。〃
Zach let Calvin in and turned to leave。 Calvin stepped right up to the toilet； tugged his pants down； and let fly。 Huh； Zach thought； so he really did have to piss。
But as Zach was halfway out the door； Calvin said； 〃Hey； Dario？〃
〃Yeah？〃
〃That was a fuckin' brilliant set。 You look great onstage。〃
〃Aw hell； I just like to sing。 You guys are the musicians。〃
〃Yeah； right。 You're about as humble as me。〃 Calvin flushed the toilet； pulled his leggings up to a point just above the line of his pubic hair； then turned and in one smooth motion grabbed Zach and pinned him against the wall。 His chest pressed against Zach's； slick with sweat。 His hands slid up Zach's rib cage and his thumbs grazed Zach's bare nipples； then tweaked them gently。 Zach found himself instantly； crazily aroused。
Calvin's lips brushed Zach's。 〃Do you want this as bad as I do？〃 he whispered。
〃Well…yeah； but…〃
Calvin's mouth closed over his； hot and lush； full of the golden taste of beer。 His tongue slid； searched； teased its way into Zach's mouth。 For several seconds they kissed with sloppy abandon。 Calvin's unshaven face scoured him； abraded him。 It would leave scratches。 Zach didn't care。
He felt Calvin's hips nudging against his own； Calvin's dick getting hard against him； pushing into his bare stomach。 Almost automatically； Zach moved his hips so that their hardons were pressed together； separated only by two thin layers of cotton。 The concrete wall was rough and cool against his back。 The noise of the club was a dull subliminal roar far away。
He suddenly wondered why in hell he was doing this。
The question was jarring。 It made him realize that since the moment he'd said yeah； but and Calvin had stopped his mouth with a kiss； he hadn't had a single thought in his head。 Not for Trevor； not for himself； not for anything but his own damned mindless pleasure。 Zach knew he had often used sex like a drug。 But until now； he'd never consciously known that he used it to make himself stop thinking。
The shame of that knowledge washed over him like a caustic wave。 But on its crest came a second realization。 Being with Trevor didn't make him feel that way； didn't short…circuit his thought processes or cut off his emotions。 When they made love Zach's perceptions intensified and his consciousness seemed to expand。 Before； fucking had always been like slamming a door on the world。 With Trevor it was like opening a thousand doors。
And that meant he wasn't getting anything here that he couldn't get a thousand times better at home。
Zach felt a pang of regret as he broke the kiss and pushed Calvin away。 Calvin was what he used to think of as a sweet catch； a beautiful bad boy with a guitar； and in the old days Zach would have loved to take an all…night tour of Calvin's personal heavens and hells。
But whether he liked it or not； those days were gone for him。 He couldn't do this to Trevor。 Furthermore； he didn't even want to。
〃Sorry；〃 he said。 〃I can't。〃
〃Sure you can。〃 Calvin tried to push back against him。 His eyes were wild； his breath ing fast。 He was obviously horny to the point of pain； and Zach felt for him。 But there were plenty of adorable boys out there； fairly stewing in their own juices。 A handsome blond guitarist could take his pick。
〃No。 I can't。 I'm with somebody； and you knew damn well I was。〃
〃Hey…〃 Calvin twitched one shoulder in the most insouciant of shrugs； but his eyes were hurt。 〃Saw you lookin'； was all。 Just tryin' to show the new kid a little hometown hospitality。〃
〃I know I was looking。 'Course I was。 You're gorgeous。〃 Calvin's eyes softened a little。 〃But I'm with Trevor； okay？ We're solid。 I love him。〃
Calvin sniffed。 〃You fall in love pretty fast； don't you？〃
〃Not really。 It took me nineteen years。〃
〃Aren't you scared he'll freak out and murder you in your sleep？〃
Zach laughed。 〃No。 If Trevor decides to kill me； he'll make sure I'm awake for it。〃
Calvin considered this dubiously。 〃Whatever；〃 he said at last。 〃You wanna kiss me one more time？〃
〃Yes；〃 Zach told him honestly。 〃But I'm not gonna。〃
He ducked under Calvin's arm and left the guitarist staring after him。 As he fumbled his way back along the hall； the noise and the energy of the club grew stronger with every step he took。 He felt the invisible thread of his lover pulling him； drawing him。
Zach had done plenty of things he was proud of： survived on his own since he was fourteen； hacked his way into systems that no one else could crack； bailed his friends out of jail and wiped their records clean。
All of that was fine。 But he couldn't remember the last time a decision not to do something had made him feel so good。
〃I sold a story to Taboo！〃 Trevor shouted over the din of the bar。
Kinsey's slightly harassed expression became an enormous grin。 〃That's great！ Have a Coke！ Hell； have two Cokes！〃 He slapped them down on the bar in front of Trevor； then held up an apologetic hand and hurried away to serve the customers lining up for beer。 Trevor pulled a five…dollar bill out of his pocket and dropped it into the tip jar while Kinsey's back was turned。
Zach had given him a wad of cash this morning。 Just in case you need anything in town； he'd said； pressing it into Trevor's hand。 When Trevor protested the amount…over a hundred dollars…Zach only looked disgusted。 Money is just stuff you trade for things that you want； he had told Trevor with the air of a person explaining that two plus two equals four。 When you need more； you get it。 It may not grow on trees； but accessing a bank account is a hell of a lot easier than climbing a tree。
Trevor looked around the crowded bar； but saw no sign of Zach。 Probably he was still backstage getting stoned with the band。 Trevor didn't think Zach would mind if he joined them。 To his own surprise； he was actually beginning to develop a taste for pot。 Possibly because it was such a vital ponent of Zach's body chemistry。 But maybe； Trevor thought； he was also ready to start altering his consciousness instead of just exaggerating it。
He grabbed his two Cokes and started making his way back toward the stage。 Halfway 〃there； he passed Calvin going the other way。 Trevor just nodded； but Calvin reached out and stopped him； put his hands on Trevor's shoulders and leaned in to speak loudly in Trevor's ear。 〃You've got a real sweet boyfriend。 He sure does love you。 Better hang on to him。〃
Then he was gone into the crowd。 What was that all about？ Trevor wondered。 But Calvin had fucked with his head enough。 He didn't care what the guitarist thought of him。 Terry and R。J。 were better musicians anyway。 Calvin's playing had plenty of glitter and flash； but none of their Southern soul。
Trevor let himself into the dressing room and Zach was there； bare…chested； sleek as a seal； resplendent； taking a long toke on a fat； fragrant joint。 The room was already crowded with friends of the band； but Zach saw Trevor right away。 He held the smoke in his lungs as he passed the joint； crossed the room； put his lips against Trevor's； and exhaled a long； steady stream of smoke into Trevor's mouth。 A shotgun。
Trevor abandoned his Cokes and ran his hands down the curve of Zach's spine。 His fingertips came away slick with sweat。 He touched them to his mouth； tasted salt。
〃Do you want to go somewhere？〃 Zach whispered in his ear。 Trevor nodded。 Zach pulled him through the door； along a dark passageway； into a tiny； ill…lit bathroom。 They slammed the door and leaned against it； groping