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se； I felt that I was leaving part of myself behind； and that wherever I went afterwards I should feel the lack of it； and search for it hopelessly； as ghosts are said to do； frequenting the spots where they buried material treasures without which they cannot pay their way to the nether world。
'I shall never go back；' I said to myself。
A door had shut； the low door in the wall I had sought and found in Oxford； open it now and I should find no enchanted garden。
I had e to the surface； into the light of mon day and the fresh sea…air； after long captivity in the sunless coral palaces and waving forests of the ocean bed。
I had left behind me … what？ Youth？ Adolescence？ Romance？ The conjuring stuff of these things； 'the Young Magician's pendium'； that neat cabinet where the ebony wand had its place beside the delusive billiard balls； the penny that folded double； and the feather flowers that could be drawn into a hollow candle。
'I have left behind illusion；' I said to myself。 'Henceforth I live in a world of three dimensions … with the aid of my five senses。'
I have since learned that there is no such world； but then； as the car turned out of sight of the house； I thought it took no finding； but lay all about me at the end of the avenue。
Thus I returned to Paris； and to the friends I had found there and the habits I had formed。 I thought I should hear no more of Brideshead； but life has few separations as sharp as that。 It was not three weeks before I received a letter in Cordelia's Frenchified convent hand：
'Darling Charles；' she said。 'I was so very miserable when you went。 You might have e and said good…bye！
'I heard all about your disgrace； and I am writing to say that I am in disgrace； too。 I sneaked Wilcox's keys and got whisky for Sebastian and got caught。 He did seem to want it so。 And there was （and is） an awful row。
'Mr Samgrass has gone （good！）； and I think he is a bit in disgrace； too； but I don't know why。
'Mr Mottram is very popular with Julia （bad！） and is taking Sebastian away （bad！ bad！） to a German doctor。
'Julia's tortoise disappeared。 We think it buried itseif； as they do； so there goes a packet （expression of Mr Mottram's）。
'I am very well。
'With love from
Cordelia。'
It must have been about a week after receiving this letter that I returned to my rooms one afternoon to find Rex waiting for me。
It was about four； for the light began to fail early in the studio at that time of year。 I could see by the expression on the concierge's face； when she told me I had a visitor waiting； that there was something impressive upstairs； she had a vivid gift of expressing differences of age or attraction； this was the expression which meant someone of the first consequence； and Rex indeed seemed to justify it； as I found him in his big travelling coat； filling the window that looked over the river。
'Well；' I said。 'Well。'
'I came this morning。 They told me where you usually lunched but I couldn't see you there。 Have you got him？'
I did not need to ask whom。 'So he's given you the slip； too？' 'We got here last night and were going on to Zurich today。 I left him at the Lotti after dinner； as he said he was tired； and went round to the Travellers' for a game。'
I noticed how； even with me； he was making excuses； as though rehearsing his story for retelling elsewhere。 'As he said he was tired' was good。 I could not well imagine Rex letting a half…tipsy boy interfere with his cards。
'So you came back and found him gone？'
'Not at all。 I wish I had。 I found him sitting up for me。 I had a run of luck at the Travellers' and cleaned up a packet。 Sebastian pinched the lot while I was asleep。 All he left me was two first…class tickets to Zurich stuck in the edge of the looking…glass。 I had nearly three hundred quid； blast him！'
'And now he may be almost anywhere。'
'Anywhere。 You're not hiding him by any chance？'
'No。 My dealings with that family are over。'
'I think mine are just beginning；' said Rex。 'I say； I've got a lot to talk about； and I promised a chap at the Travellers' I'd give him his revenge this afternoon。 Won't you dine with me？'
'Yes。 Where？'
'I usually go to Ciro's。'
'Why not Paillard's？'
'Never heard of it。 I'm paying you know。'
'I know you are。 Let me order dinner。'
'Well； all right。 What's the place again？' I wrote it down for him。 'Is it the sort of place you see native life？'
'Yes； you might call it that。'
'Well； it'll be an experience。 Order something good。'
'That's my intention。'
I was there twenty minutes before Rex。 If I had to spend an evening with him； it should； at any rate； be in my own way。 I remember the dinner well … soup of oseille； a sole quite simply cooked in a white…wine sauce； a caneton ？la presse； a lemon souffl？ At the last minute； fearing that the whole thing was too simple for Rex； I added caviar aux blinis。 And for wine I let him give me a bottle of 1906 Montrachet； then at its prime； and； with the duck； a Clos de B鑪e of 1904。
Living was easy in France then； with the exchange as it was； my allowance went a long way and I did not live frugally。 It was very seldom； however； that I had a dinner like this； and I felt well disposed to Rex； when at last he arrived and gave up his hat and coat with the air of not expecting to see them again。 He looked round the sombre little place with suspicion as though hoping to see apaches or a drinking party of students。 All he saw was four senators with napkins tucked under their beards eating in absolute silence。 I could imagine him telling his mercial friends later： '。。。interesting fellow I know； an art student living in Paris。 Took me to a funny little restaurant … sort of place you'd pass without looking at … where there was some of the best food I ever ate。 There were half a dozen senators there； too； which shows you it was the right place。 Wasn't at all cheap either。'
'Any sign of Sebastian？' he asked。
'There won't be；' I said； 'until he needs money。'
'It's a bit thick； going off like that。 I was rather hoping that if I made a good job of him； it might do me a bit of good in another direction。'
He plainly wished to talk of his own affairs； they could wait； I thought； for the hour of tolerance and repletion； for the cognac； they could wait until the attention was blunted and one could listen with half the mind only； now in the keen moment when the ma顃re d'h魌el was turning the blinis over in the pan； and； in the background； two humbler men were preparing the press； we would talk of myself。
'Did you stay long at Brideshead？ Was my name mentioned after I left？'
'Was it mentioned？ I got sick of the sound of it； old boy。 The Marchioness got what she called a 〃bad conscience〃 about you。 She piled it on pretty thick； I gather； at your last meeting。'
〃'Callously wicked〃； 〃wantonly cruel〃。'
'Hard words。'
' 〃It' doesn't matter what people call you unless they call you pigeon pie and eat you up。〃 '
'Eh？'
'A saying。'
'Ah。' The cream and hot butter mingled and overflowed； separating each glaucous bead of caviar from its fellows； capping it in white and gold。
'I like a bit of chopped onion with mine； ' said Rex。 'Chap who…knew told me it brought out the flavour。'
'Try it without first I said。 'And tell me more news of myself。'
'Well； of course； Greenacre； or whatever he was called … the snooty don … he came a cropper。 That was well received by all。
He was the blue…eyed boy for a day or two after you left。 Shouldn't wonder if he hadn't put the old girl up to pitching you out。 He was always being pushed down our throats； so in the end Julia couldn't bear it any more and gave him away。'
'Julia did？ '
'Well； he'd begun to stick his nose into our affairs； you see。 Julia spotted he was a fake； and one afternoon when Sebastian was tight … he was tight most of the time … she got the whole story of the Grand Tour out of him。 And that was the end of Mr Samgrass。 After that the Marchioness began to think she might have been a bit rough with you。'
'And what about the row with Cordelia？'
'That eclipsed everything。 That kid's a walking marvel … she'd been feeding Sebastian whisky right under our noses for a week。 We couldn't think where he was getting it。 That's when the Marchioness finally crumbled。'
The soup was delicious after the rich blinis … hot； thin； bitter； frothy。
'I'll tell you a thing； Charles； that Ma Marchmain hasn't let on to anyone。 She's a very sick woman。 Might peg out any minute。 George Anstruther saw her in the autumn and put it at two years。'
'How on earth do you know？'
'It's the kind of thing I hear。 With the way her family are going on at the moment； I wouldn't give her a year。 I know just the man for her in Vienna。 He put Sonia Bamfshire on her feet when everyone including Anstruther had despaired of her。 But Ma Marchmain won't do anything about it。 I suppose it's something to do with her crackbrain religion； not to take care of the body。'
The sole was so simple and unobtrusive that Rex failed to notice it。 We ate to the music of the press … the crunch of the