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She went back inside to say farewell on behalf of herself and Gentle。 Taylor was back in his chair。 She caught sight of him before he saw her。 He was staring into middle distance； his eyes glazed。 It wasn't sorrow she read in his expression； but a fatigue so profound it had wiped all feeling from him except； maybe； regret for unsolved mysteries。 She went to him and explained that she'd found Gentle and that he was sick and needed taking…home。
〃Isn't he going to e and say goodbye？〃 Taylor said。
〃I think he's afraid of throwing up all over the carpet； or you； or both。〃
〃Tell him to call me。 Tell him I want to see him soon。〃 He took hold of Jude's hand； holding it with surprising strength。 〃Soon； tell him。〃
〃I will。〃
〃I want to see that grin of his one more time。〃
〃There'll be lots of times；〃 she said。
He shook his head。 〃Once will have to do；〃 he replied softly。
She kissed him and promised she'd call to say she got home safely。 On her way to the door she met Clem and once again made her apologies and farewells。
〃Call me if there's anything I can do；〃 she offered。
〃Thanks； but I think it's a waiting game。〃
〃Then we can wait together。〃
〃Better just him and me；〃 Clem said。 〃But I will call。〃
He glanced towards Taylor； who was once more staring at nothing。
〃He's determined to hold on till spring。 One more spring； he keeps saying。 He never gave a fuck about crocuses till now。〃 Clem smiled。 〃You know what's wonderful？〃 he said。 〃I've fallen in love with him all over again。〃
〃That is wonderful。〃
〃And now I'm going to lose him； just when I realize what he means to me。 You won't make that mistake； will you？〃 He looked at her hard。 〃You know who I mean。〃
She nodded。
〃Good。 Then you'd better take him home。〃
The roads were as empty as he'd predicted； and it took only fifteen minutes to get back to Gentle's studio。 He wasn't exactly coherent。 On the way； the exchanges between them were full of gaps and discontinuities； as though his mind were running ahead of his tongue； or behind it。 Drink wasn't the culprit。 Jude had seen Gentle drunk on all forms of alcohol； it made him roaring； randy； and sanctimonious by turns。 Never like this； with his head back against the seat； his eyes closed； talking〃 from the bottom of a pit。 One moment he was thanking her for looking after him； the next he was telling her not to mistake the paint on his hands for shit。 It wasn't shit； he kept saying； it was burnt umber； and prussian blue； and cadmium yellow； but somehow when you mixed colors together； any colors； they always came out looking like shit eventually。 This monologue dwindled into silence； from which； a minute or two later； a new subject emerged。
〃I can't look at him； you know； the way he is。 。 。〃
〃Who？〃 Jude said。
〃Taylor。 I can't look at him when he's so sick。 You know how much I hate sickness。〃
She'd forgotten。 It amounted to a paranoia with him； fueled perhaps by the fact that though he treated his body with scant regard for its health he not only never sickened but hardly aged。 Doubtless the collapse； when it came； would be calamitous： excess； frenzy； and the passage of years taking their toll in one fell swoop。 Until that time he wanted no reminders of his physical frailty。
〃Taylor's going to die； isn't he？〃 he said。
〃Clem thinks very soon。〃
Gentle gave a heavy sigh。 〃I should spend some time with him。 We were good friends once。〃
〃There were rumors about you two。〃
〃He spread them； not me。〃
〃Just rumors； were they？〃
〃What do you think？〃
〃I think you've probably tried every experience that swam by at least once。〃
〃He's not my type；〃 Gentle said； not opening his eyes。
〃You should see him again；〃 she said。 〃You've got to face up to falling apart sooner or later。 It happens to us all。〃
〃Not to me it won't。 When I start'to decay； I'm going to kill myself。 I swear。〃 He made fists of his painted hands and raised them to his face； drawing the knuckles down over his cheeks。 〃I won't let it happen；〃 he said。
〃Good luck；〃 she replied。
They drove the rest of the way without any further exchange between them； his passive presence on the passenger seat beside her making her uneasy。 She kept thinking of Taylor's story and expecting him to start talking； unleashing a stream of lunacies。 It wasn't until she announced that they'd arrived at the studio that she realized he'd fallen asleep。 She stared at him awhile： at the smooth dome of his forehead and the delicate configuration of his lips。 It was still in her to dote on him； no question of that。 But what lay that way？ Disappointment and frustrated rage。 Despite Clem's words of encouragement she was almost certain it was a lost cause。
She shook him awake and asked him if she could use his bathroom before going on her way。 The punch was heavy in her bladder。 He was hesitant； which surprised her。 The suspicion dawned that he'd already moved a female panion into the studio； some seasonal bird to be stuffed for Christmas and dumped by New Year。 Curiosity made her press to be allowed in。 Reluctant as he was； he could scarcely say no； of course； and she traipsed up the stairs after him； wondering as she went what the conquest was going to look like； only to find that the studio was empty。 His sole panion was the painting that had so filthied his hands。 He seemed genuinely upset that she'd set eyes on it and ushered her to the bathroom； more disfited than if her first suspicions had been correct and one of his conquests had indeed been disporting herself on the thread… bare couch。 Poor Gentle。 He was getting stranger by the day。
She relieved herself and emerged from the toilet to find the painting covered with a stained sheet and him looking furtive and fidgety； clearly eager to have her out of the place。 She saw no reason not to be plain with him； and said； 〃Working on something new？〃
〃Nothing much；〃 he said。
〃I'd like to see。〃
〃It's not finished。〃
〃It doesn't matter to me if it's a fake；〃 she said。 〃I know what you and Klein get up to。〃
〃It's not a fake；〃 he said； a fierceness in his voice and face she'd not seen so far tonight。 〃It's mine。〃
〃An original Zacharias？〃 she remarked。 〃This I have to see。〃
She reached for the sheet； before he could stop her； and flipped it up over the top of the canvas。 She'd only had a glimpse of the picture as she'd entered； and from some distance。 Up close； it was clear he'd worked on the canvas with no little ferocity。 There were places where it had been punctured； as though he'd stabbed it with his palette knife or brush； other places where the paint was laid on with glutinous abandon； then thumbed and fingered to drive it before his will。 All this to achieve the likeness of what？ Two people； it seemed； standing face to face against a brutal sky； their flesh white； but shot through with jabs of livid color。
〃Who are they？〃 she said。
〃They？〃 he said； sounding almost surprised that she'd read the image thusly； then covering his response with a shrug。 〃Nobody；〃 he said； 〃just an experiment；〃 and pulled the sheet back down over the painting。
〃Is it a mission？〃
〃I'd prefer not to discuss it；〃 he said。
His disfort was oddly charming。 He was like a child who'd been caught about some secret ritual。 〃You're full of surprises；〃 she said； smiling。
〃Nan； not me。〃
Though the painting was out of sight he continued to look ill at ease； and she realized there was going to be no further discussion of the picture or its import。
〃I'll be off； then；〃 she said。
〃Thanks for the lift；〃 he replied； escorting her to the door。
〃Do you still want to have that drink？〃 she said。
〃You're not going back to New York？〃
〃Not immediately。 I'll call you in a couple of days。 Don't forget Taylor。〃
〃What are you； my conscience？〃 he said； with too small a trace of humor to soften the weight of the reply。 〃I won't forget。〃
〃You leave marks on people； Gentle。 That's a responsibility you can't just shrug off。〃
〃I'll try to be invisible from now on；〃 he replied。
He didn't take her to the front door but let her head down the stairs alone； closing the studio door before she'd taken more than half a dozen steps。 As she went； she wondered what misbegotten instinct had made her suggest drinks。 Well； it was easily slipped out of； even assuming he remembered the suggestion had been made； which she doubted。
Once out in the street she looked up at the building to see if she could spot him through the window。 She had to cross the road to do so； but from the opposite pavement she could see him standing in front of the painting； which he had once again unveiled。 He was staring at it with his head slightly cocked。 She couldn't be certain； but it looked as though his lips were moving； as though he were talking to the image on the canvas。 What was he saying？ she wondered。 Was he coaxing some image forth from the chaos of paint？ And if so； in which of his many tongues was he speaking？
13
She had seen two people where he'd painted one。 Not a he； a she； or an it； but they。 She'd looked at the image and seen past his conscious intention to a buried purpose； one he'd hidden even from himself。 Now he went back to the canvas and looked at it again； with borrow