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When I felt overwhelmed by it all； I practiced my breathing again。 Even in December； when the island was desolate and the water was cold enough to drown； I would leap into the sea and stay beneath the water for as long as I could； I would； if possible； use the Montgomery's indoor swimming pool for my morning workout which began at six a。m。
8
That was the wonderful thing about the Montgomery's place：
They were usually gone all winter unless Mr。 and Mrs。 Montgomery were fighting； or Mr。 Montgomery had gone off with one of his mistresses and Mrs。 M was so angry she came to the island for a blisteringly cold February。 I used to see Mrs。 M in those cold Februarys； and I ran errands in town for her because she spent too much time staring at the walls or sitting along the indoor pool while I did laps。 She enjoyed letting me swim there； and she sometimes even got in and did laps； too。 Once； when I was twelve； Mrs。 M told me； 〃You're turning into quite the handsome boy； Owen Crites。〃 She was in good shape for a woman of forty； and there were times when I was with her that she reminded me so much of Jenna it was almost like having Jenna there with me。
When I watched her back； as she got out of the pool； bathing cap on； her narrow waist； the way the water beaded upon her skin … it was like seeing Jenna for a moment。 This made me happy。 Jenna meant a lot to me。
But the pool … dare I describe it now； how I remember it？ It was vast。
It was Olympic size。 I could do real laps there as opposed to laps at the beach which ended with a summer lifeguard blowing a whistle for me to e to shore before I'd gone out twenty yards。 It was off the northern wing of their estate； and was constructed so that it was as if you were swimming outside； as if on the bluffs over the Sound； you owned the world as you went back and forth； breathing； carefully breathing so as not to wear out too fast。
Because； during those winters when the M's stayed down in Manhattan； my father and mother and I had the run of the house； I could swim naked in the pool； and rise to see the reflection of my body in the long mirrors that were in the small locker room off the pool。 By my sophomore year in high school； I had created … and mastered … a beautiful； strong body； and what average looks I had were masked by health and physical near…perfection。 I didn't admire this because I believed in beauty。
Beauty is for the lazy。
I admired it because I knew the world admired it； and I wanted to own the world。
Wrestling was my winter sport at school； and I did not excel at it； but I held my own。 The girls loved me … and the boys； too。 I never got too close to them； because I had to spend all my concentration on creating who I was。 But the girls all cheered for me in the sweaty matches as I brought some great bull of a boy from a peting school down to the red mat。 Because the psychological aspect to sports can't be emphasized enough； I would … with each match … create some threat to my opponent。 Something I could whisper in his ear。
This took no small amount of planning； as it meant I had to do research on those I wrestled； so I would know just what button to push to take away their psychological edge。 Dagon helped me； my god took me to books and ideas and notions； if you will； that showed me just what other boys would be most hurt by。 Usually； it involved their sense of sexuality。 After all； even I knew that showering with other boys all day； wearing jockstraps； cracking jokes about everything from dicks to pussies； was a veil across homoeroticism among adolescents。 And who but wrestlers were closest to puncturing that veil？ So； I would whisper to my opponent something about him； something perhaps his closest friend had told me … his closest friend； drunk； being taken out to a parking lot … his closest friend who； with six beers in him； would finally admit to something that my opponent would be happiest to hide for a thousand years。
Sometimes； it was less interesting。 My threat might be； 〃I know your little sister； Trey。 I know all about her leg。 I would hate for something to happen to her。 I would hate for someone to do something to a little girl so sweet。〃
You may judge me for this if you like。 It was a petitive edge； and this is what we； in athletics； were taught： to find our edge。
Skill alone never wins。
I wish it did； but lazy people think that way。
Faith is necessary； too。 I had found mine。 It had grown within me。
Now； this began rumors about me； but I had built up a loyal following of other boys and girls in school。 I became head of the pep squad for the football team … team sports were never my thing； but I knew that I had to somehow attach myself to them。 So； when kids from other schools began talking about me saying 〃crazy； psycho〃 things； I had friends who were willing to lay down and die for me rather than accept those lies。 I really liked the kids I went to high school with； I liked the teachers。 It was easy for me to like them。
I think even being poor helped … teachers saw me as an underdog rising。 I would tutor children in the local elementary school some afternoons； I took the coach's daughter to the junior prom； just because I was a nice guy and I felt bad that she wasn't pretty enough to get asked by any of the other guys。 I was wellliked； and sometimes； that carries you。
But I haven't mentioned much about Jenna yet； have I？ In all this talk of I； she has not yet entered not in the way she should've。 She was not at my school。 She was not within my sphere。 She was outer； she was beyond beyond。
How could I take her to the prom when she only arrived at Outerbridge Island in the summers？
I would count the days until Memorial Day weekend； when the Outerbridge Majesty would arrive in Quonnoquet Haven； heavy with tourists and summer people； and there； on the highest deck； I'd see her with my binos and I would lay back in the muddy grass and look up at the paling sky and think： please remember what we promised。 Remember everything and don't leave anything out。
Remember why I came to you and why you let me and why it would make everything be the way it was supposed to； and why you're the reason for my every breath。
That's what had happened when I was twelve and dedicated my soul to the god of dark places。 By the time I was seventeen； I was a dedicated servant to the one I worshipped。
And the only thing I asked of this divinity was：
Give me Jenna。
I found a cat over in town； and with just a pen knife； offered its soul to my god。
9
I'll tell you now； that it's safe； what really happened the summer that I discovered purity … genuine purity … in the shit of human existence。 I can see myself as I was then； handsome； young； even pretty in a way with my thick hair falling to either side of my face； my blue eyes sharp； yes； but expectant。 My shirt is an Izod； a preppie affectation … my mother never wanted me to look like the other islanders； she wanted something better for me； as did I。 Khakis； no socks； Topsiders or sandals … my face burning from the beginnings of summer sun； my heart racing。 It's no longer me as I am； it's that boy； that boy who is almost eighteen； a man at this point； a man who has nearly won in life。
I； he； you； it doesn't matter what I call that boy…man； he just is； I can feel his breath； I can smell the Old Spice on him； I can practically see the cap on his front tooth that cost his father a pretty penny after he fell and chipped it in sixth grade while he was running … I can practically see the fog lift between this day and that one。
He watches for her。
Chapter Two
Memorial Day； restless nights； and an open window
1
Let me take you there。
Fly like a bird over the crotch of New England … that place where Rhode Island clutches at its small corner between Massachusetts and Connecticut； and out to the Sound； across the scattering of islands and islets and outlands until you see the One Man Rocks； the places where misanthropists going by the name of New Englanders lived two to three per islet … and then； beyond the beyond； as my mother would say； thar she blows … Outerbridge； Outerbridge； Outerbridge。 The name conjures up older names； and for me … or for him； for the me who was； Owen Crites； the Dutch fighting the Indians； the pirates burying treasure beneath the land； and the people who built the walls。 It even conjures all the names it must have had before； when the gods themselves had granted it some secret name。 If Owen had known the secret name； he might have had power over it； but as it was； the island was master； and all who occupied its ground； servants。
The island's history began eons ago when some glacial giant swept the rocks and earth into the Atlantic and the world grew up around it。 The Pequot and Narragansett Indians held it against the Dutch for as long as they could； and then the Brits wrested it for themselves。 The island never provided much in the way of existence for any of its inhabitants； all that's left of the early English settlers were walls made of stone and foundations of cottages that speckle the northern end of Outerbridge （originally called a Dutch name that had sounded to the English like Outerbridge although there was a movement afoot a