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up there； a week or two early； and I'd only just e home from finals。
I have always gone to Outerbridge Island since I was about four； and I never miss a summer there。 It's what I look forward to after a tough year in school； and since I would turn eighteen over the summer and I had just finished school … but I'd be entering Sarah Lawrence in September … I really wanted to enjoy what time I had left to just be a kid。
Daddy was in one of his moods； though； and I suspect that woman he knows was part of it。 Mom told me all about that woman when she gave me the speech about sex and life and marriage when I was fourteen。 〃Men have problems with their bodies；〃 she said； looking only a little embarrassed。 〃They all cheat。 It's just something we put up with if we can。 It's nothing about love。
Don't even think that。 It's just their biology。 They have their good sides and their bad sides。 And there are plenty of bad women； too；〃 she added。 〃Like that woman。〃
That woman lived in Brooklyn； in a brownstone that my father had bought for her in the 1970s。 I took the subway out to it once； and stood on the steps in front； looking through the windows。 That woman had a nice chandelier and some paintings on the walls but it was a fairly plain house in Park Slope。 I sort of think I saw a little of her； too； walking up the street。 She wasn't even pretty； which was sort of what amazed me。 She wasn't like my mother。 She was tall； with big feet； and red hair that needed some kind of style。
Her face was nothing like my mothers； nothing like the women I knew； she looked sort of round and plain。
I don't really know if it was that woman I saw； but I suspect it was。
So； just after high school graduation； I was all ready to go to the island； but Daddy was just moody and told me that I needed to stay because of Jimmy； who was supposed to have been in town。
All right； Jimmy McTeague。 He's a tennis player who goes to Wimbledon every year； he's practically a National champion； and his father owns McTeague Sports； the chain； although I never understand why they don't have stores in Manhattan。 I met Jimmy when he was at Exeter； at some dance； and I was just thinking he was cute。 Marnie called him the Leech for some reason which I didn't quite understand； but I knew there was something interesting about him。 He lived a different life than me； and I never really saw myself with that kind of Midwestern jock…type。 He was always sweating； too； which I guess goes with the whole athletic thing； but not something that's pleasant to be around an hour after a match。
Still； by the time I was seventeen； I really liked Jimmy。 And no； I had no thoughts of marriage or anything like that。 We hadn't actually even been intimate or anything； just held hands a lot and went to dances and out to dinner。 When I debuted； Jimmy shared the drudgery of that awful debutante season by being my escort； when I was really pissed off over not getting into Columbia； Jimmy actually flew in from the West Coast … where he had some important tennis match … and took me out to dinner。
Then； the night after I would normally go to the island； Jimmy told me we could sail there in this little boat he kept in Greenwich at the club。 And that first night on the boat； I became a woman。 We drank too many glasses of Chardonnay； and one thing led to another。 Jimmy was never very aggressive in bed。 He was kind of shy that way。 So I pretty much had to seduce him； but once we both closed our eyes and let our bodies take over； we knew how to make love。
And it really was love。 It really was。 I felt it。 We spent that first night on the boat。 We got into the harbor at about twelve or one in the morning； and just slept together in the little bed。 He snored sweetly。 Not a hacking or sawing snore； but like a puppy dreaming。 He did say something funny to me in the morning； something that struck me as odd； something about how maybe now we could think more about the future now that we'd mated； and I laughed at him and he looked a little angry when I laughed。
All right； I knew that maybe there would be trouble with Owen when I saw him on the jetty when we got off the boat the next day。 He looked like he'd been waiting there all night。
Like he'd been watching us。
The little turd。 He really was。 I care a lot for him； of course。 We've known each other since we were both kids。 He's the son of the gardener。 His mother sometimes helps out with parties and laundry and other things。 He's cute； which helps； too； because although I have nothing against boys that aren't very good looking； there's something about a good looking one that just makes you want him around all the time。
So I'm barely dressed； some tacky beach towel around me basically； and there's Owen at the shore seeing both of us ing up from the boat and the first thing he says to me is； 〃What happened？〃
I felt all nervous and even giggly like I needed a cigarette。 I told him I didn't want to see my mother for a day or two。 And then Jimmy just took over； like he always does。 He has this way with guys … he always gets them on his side。 Jimmy gave him a nickname and acted like Owen was Jimmy's kid brother and they just seemed to get along fine。 It was like they'd known each other all their lives； in about five minutes。 Owen seemed to like all the ribbing and you know that sort of adolescent boy…talk they do。 You know that。 That way boys have of getting together and sort of sparring； and talking； and noticing each other's hair； or how one of them is sad； and they either peck it to death or get all brotherly。 I saw it with Jimmy and his best friends at Exeter； too。 The way they played like puppies。 That's just what it was like … like watching two golden retrievers wrestle over a bone。
I didn't see Owen much during June。 I guess he got the job down in town。 Sometimes I saw him when we went to the Salty Dog； but he never waited on our table。 Jimmy was virtually attached at the hip with me； which can get annoying no matter how much you care for a guy。 I used to try and lose him in the mornings； after he'd go off to play his beloved tennis with one of the local pros or with my mother。 My mother is excellent at sports； which are pretty much not my thing。 I like golf a little； and sometimes I like to swim； but the whole girl…jock thing is beyond me。
So Jimmy would slip out of bed； and I'd get dressed and go down to visit Marci and Elaine； and Elaine's brother； Cooper； down island。 Sometimes we'd take whole afternoons just having brunch； or wandering the Cove by the Great Salt Pond。 Jimmy would get all pissed off at me。 He was a little jealous。 Well； a little more than jealous。 He thought that since he was the first guy I'd slept with that he somehow should've had more ownership of me。 Or maybe I should've been more attached to him。 I mean； I was attached。 And he was； technically； the first guy I'd slept with； although I let Ricky Hofstedter press his fingers up there sophomore year； and then there was that time that I got drunk at Hollis Ownby's party and wound up making out with Harvey Somebody （he was a Somebody。 I just can't remember his last name） until I woke up with a hangover and a major pain down there and I hoped it hadn't gone too far beyond basic； you know； petting。
But Jimmy had all these needs； and some days； particularly in June and early July； I just wanted to chill and hang out with some friends without worrying about whether I was paying attention to Jimmy and all his issues。
I didn't think of Owen much except sometimes I remembered how much fun he was when I was younger and exploring the beaches； or how I'd take him out in one of my dad's small boats； and he'd tell me all about his plans。 How he was going to slowly start investing in stocks。 I'd ask him how？
And he'd look at me funny； and laugh。 Then； he'd tell me how his mother's father had been well…off and then when Owen turned twenty…one； he'd e into a trust fund。 I knew he was lying； but I sort of liked his lies。 They made the days go by。 Sometimes the summer seemed short when I was around him； and by the time I got back to school in the fall； I felt renewed。 I owed a lot of that to Owen。
But this summer； I've been distant from everybody。 Part of it is Jimmy。
And yes； it's sexual； I guess。 But since I'm paying you by the hour； I'd guess that you're okay with me telling you； right？ Well； Jimmy seems to not be all that aggressive in bed。 I know that must sound weird since I'm not terribly experienced in that arena； either； but I've watched movies； I've read books； and I talk with my girlfriends about this stuff。 This isn't like twenty years ago when no one ever talked about sex。 My friends all say their boyfriends seem to put the moves on them constantly。 With Jimmy； I have to literally reach down and grab him。 And then； he just sort of you know touches me here and there and then he … well you know … and then it's over and sort of unpleasant even though it's not ghastly or anything。 It's just not what I expected。
And then there was that fiasco with my birthday party。 Christ； it was embarrassing。 Mind if I light up？ I'm hungry for nicotine at the moment。
Ravening。
Ah； that's better。 I know everyone has to give up smoking at some point in their lives；