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set eyes on him； I never saw him。
I was alone in the house last night （for as Mr。 Winthrop writes this for me； it is still last night； though you will not read it for a long time to e）。 Even Father； who never goes out without me； had to attend an important emergency meeting at the plant。 It meant settling the strike that much sooner； and I pleaded with him to go； though he did not want to。 I was alone； just Aunt Josie and the child and I。
Mr。 Carter phoned around ten…thirty o'clock and told me he had bad news； that a marriage…service had just been performed joining the two of them at Hastings。 I had taken the call on the downstairs phone。 The shock brought on an attack。 Not wishing to alarm Aunt Josie； I tried to get up the stairs to my room unaided。 By the time I had reached the top； I became exhausted and could only lie there； unable to move any further or to call out。
While I was lying there helpless like that； I heard the outside door open and recognized Bill's step below。 I tried to attract his attention； but my voice was too weak； I couldn't reach him with it。 I heard him go into the library； stay there several moments； then e out again。 Afterward I remembered hearing something click between his hands right then； as he stood there by the door。 And I knew he never uses a cigarettelighter。 Then he left the house。
When Aunt Josie had e out some time later； found me there； and carried me to my bed； and while we were waiting for the doctor； I sent her to the library to see if that gun that belonged there was still there。 She did not understand why I wanted her to do this； and I did not tell her。 But when she came back and told me that the gun was missing； I was afraid what that might mean。
I knew by then that I was dying。 One does。 I had time to think； lying there during those next long hours。 I could think so clearly。 I knew that there was a way in which either my Bill or my Patrice might need my protection； once I was no longer there to give it。 I knew I had to give it none the less； as best I could。 I wanted them to have their happiness。 I wanted above all my little grandchild to have his security； his start in life without anything to mar it。 I knew what the way was in which I could give this to them。
So as soon as Dr。 Parker would allow it； I had Ty Winthrop called to my bedside。 To him； in privacy； I dictated the sworn statement which you have had by now。
I hope； my dear ones； you have not had to use it。 I pray you have not； and never will have to。 …
But this is its retraction。 This is the truth； just meant for you two alone。 One tells the truth to one's loved ones； one does not have to swear to and notarize it。 There is no guilt upon me。 This is my wedding gift to you。 To make your happiness even more plete than it is already。
Burn it after you have read it。 This is a dying woman's last wish。 Bless you both。
Your devoted Mother。〃
The match made a tiny snap。 Stripes of black crept up the paper； then ran together； before any flame could be seen。 Then there was a little soundless puff； and suddenly yellow light glowed all around it。
And as it burned； over this yellow light； they turned their heads and looked at one another。 With a strange； new sort of fright they'd never felt before。 As when the world drops away； and there is nothing left underfoot to stand on。
〃She didn't do it；〃 he whispered； stricken。
〃She didn't；〃 she breathed； appalled。
〃Then…？〃
〃Then…？〃
And each pair of eyes answered； 〃You。〃
* * *
The summer nights are so pleasant in Caulfield。 They smell of heliotrope； of jasmine； and of clover。 The stars are warm and close above us。 The breeze is gentle as a baby's kiss。 The soothing whisper of the leafy trees； the lamplight falling on the lawns； the hush of perfect peace and security。
But not for us。
The house we live in is so pleasant here in Caulfield。 Its blue…green lawn； always freshly watered； the dazzling whiteness of the porchsupports in the sun； the gracious symmetry of the bannister that curves down from above； the gloss of rich old floors； the lushness of pile carpeting； in every room some favorite chair that's an old friend。 People e and say； 〃What more can there be？ This is a home。〃
But not for us。
I love him so。 More than ever before； not less。 So bitterly I love him。 And he loves me。 And yet I know that on some day to e； maybe this year； maybe next； but surely to e； suddenly he'll pack and go away and leave me。 Though he'll love me still； and never stop even after he's gone。
Or if he doesn't； I will。 I'll take up my valise； and walk out through the door； and never return。 I'll leave my heart behind； and leave my child behind； and leave my life behind； but I'll never e back。
It's certain； it's assured。 The only uncertainty is： which one of us will be the first to break。
We've fought this thing。 In every way we know； in every way there is。 No good； no good at all。 There's no way out。 We're caught； we're trapped。 For if he's innocent； then it has to be me。 And if I am； it has to be he。 But I know I'm innocent。 （Yet he may know he is too。） We can't break through； there's no way out。
It's in the very kiss we give each other。 Somehow we trap it right between our lips； each time。 It's everywhere； it's all the time； it's us。
I don't know what the game was。 I'm not sure how it should be played。 No one ever tells you。 I only know we must have played it wrong； somewhere along the way。 I don't even know what the stakes are。 I only know they're not for us。
We've lost。 That's all I know。 We've lost。 And now the game is through。
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