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ong as their arms。〃
〃Even you？〃 she asked him。
〃Ah； well； with me it's different。〃 He sighed； sniffing at the flower。 〃I'm an actor chappie。 I fake my raptures。 I'd like to change the world； but I end up as entertainment。 Whereas all you lovers〃…he spoke the word contemptuously…〃who couldn't give a fuck about the world as long as you're feeling passionate； you're the ones who make the cities burn and the nations tumble。 You're the engines in the tragedy； and most of the time you don't even know it。 So what's an actor chappie to do； if he wants to be taken seriously？ I'll tell you。 He has to learn to fake his feelings so well he'll be allowed off the stage and into the real world。 It's taken me a lot of rehearsal to get where I am； believe me。 I started small； you know； very small。 Messenger。 Spear…carrier。 I once pimped for the Unbeheld； but it was just a one…night stand。 Then 1 was back serving lovers…〃
〃Like Oscar。〃
〃Like Oscar。〃
〃You hated him； didn't you？〃
〃No； I was simply bored； with him and his whole family。 He was so like his father； and his father's father； and so on； all the way back to crazy Joshua。 I became impatient。 I knew things would e around eventually； and I'd have my moment； but I got so tired of waiting； and once in a while I let it show。〃
〃And you plotted。〃
〃But of course。 I wanted to hurry things along； towards the moment of my 。。。 emancipation。 It was all very calculated。 But that's me； you see？ I'm an artist with the soul of an accountant。〃
〃Did you hire Pie to kill me？〃
〃Not knowingly；〃 Dowd said。 〃I set some wheels in motion； but I never imagined they'd carry us all so far。 I didn't even know the mystif was alive。 But as things went on； I began to see how inevitable all this was。 First Pie's appearance。 Then your meeting Godolphin； and your falling for each other。 It was all bound to happen。 It was what you were born to do； after all。 Do you miss him； by the way？ Tell the truth。〃
〃I've scarcely thought about him；〃 she replied； surprised by the truth of this。
〃Out of sight； out of mind； eh？ Ah； I'm so glad I can't feel love。 The misery of it。 The sheer； unadulterated misery。〃 He mused a moment； then said； 〃This is so much like the first time； you know。 Lovers yearning； worlds trembling。 Of course last time I was merely a spear…carrier。 This time I intend to be the prince。〃
〃What do you mean； I was born to fall for Godolphin？ I don't even remember being born。〃
〃I think it's time you did；〃 Dowd said； tossing away the flower as he approached her。 〃Though these rites of passage are never very easy； lovey； so brace yourself。 At least you've picked a good spot。 We can dangle our feet over the edge while we talk about how you came into the world。〃
〃Oh； no；〃 she said。 〃I'm not going near that hole。〃
〃You think I want to kill you？〃 he said。 〃I don't。 I just want you to unburden yourself of a few memories。 That's not asking too much； is it？ Be fair。 I've given you a glimpse of what's in my heart。 Now show me yours。〃 He took hold of her wrist 〃I won't take no for an answer；〃 he said； and drew her to the edge of the well。
She'd not ventured this close before； and its proximity was vertiginous。 Though she cursed him for having the strength to drag her here； she was glad he had her in a tight hold。
〃Do you want to sit？〃 he said。 She shook her head。 〃As you like；〃 he went on。 〃There's more chance of your falling； but it's your decision。 You've bee a very self…willed woman； lovey； I've noticed that。 You were malleable enough at the beginning。 That was the way you were bred to be； of course。〃
〃I wasn't bred to be anything。〃
〃How do you know？〃 he said。 〃Two minutes ago you were claiming you don't even remember the past。 How do you know what you were meant to be？ Made to be？〃 He glanced down the well。 〃The memory's in your head somewhere； lovey。 You just have to be willing to coax it out。 If Quaisoir sought some Goddess； maybe you did too； even if you don't remember it。 And if you did； then maybe you're more than Joshua's Peachplum。 Maybe you've got some place in the action I haven't accounted for。〃
〃Where would I meet Goddesses； Dowd？〃 Jude replied。 〃I've lived in the Fifth； in London； in Notting Hill Gate。 There are no Goddesses。〃
Even as she spoke she thought of Celestine； buried beneath the Tabula Rasa's tower。 Was she a sister to the deities that haunted Yzordderrex？ A transforming force； locked away by a sex that worshiped fixedness？ At the memory of the prisoner； and her cell； Jude's mind grew suddenly light； as though she'd downed a whisky on an empty stomach。 She had been touched by the miraculous； after all。 So if once； why not many times？ If now； why not in her forgotten past？
〃I've got no way back；〃 she said； protesting the difficulty of this as much for her own benefit as Dowd's。
〃It's easy；〃 he replied。 〃Just think of what it was like to be born。〃
〃I don't even remember my childhood。〃
〃You had no childhood； lovey。 You had no adolescence。 You were born just the way you are； overnight。 Quaisoir was the first Judith； and you； my sweet； are only her replica。 Perfect； maybe； but stilt a replica。〃
〃I won't。。。 I don't。。。 believe you。〃
〃Of course you must refuse the truth at first。 It's perfectly understandable。 But your body knows what's true and what isn't。 You're shaking； inside and out。。。。〃
〃I'm tired；〃 she said； knowing the explanation was pitifully weak。
〃You're feeling more than weary；〃 Dowd said。 〃Admit it。〃
As he pried； she remembered the results of his last revelations about her past： how she'd dropped to the kitchen floor； hamstrung by invisible knives。 She dared not succumb to such a collapse now； with the well a foot from where she stood； and Dowd knew it。
〃You have to face the memories；〃 he was saying。 〃Just spit them out。 Go on。 You'll feel better for it； I promise you。〃
She could feel both her limbs and her resolve weakening as he spoke； but the prospect of facing whatever lay in the darkness at the back of her skull…and however much she distrusted Dowd； she didn't doubt there was something horrendous there…was almost as terrifying as the thought of the well taking her。 Perhaps it would be better to die here and now； two sisters extinguished within the same hour； and never know whether Dowd's claims were true or not。 But then suppose he'd been lying to her all along…the actor chappie's finest performance yet…and she was not a shadow； not a replica； not a thing bred to do service； but a natural child with natural parents： a creature unto herself； real； plete？ Then she'd be giving herself to death out of fear of self…discovery； and Dowd would have claimed another victim。 The only way to defeat him was to call his bluff； to do as he kept urging her to do and go into the darkness at the back of her head； ready to embrace whatever revelations it concealed。 Whichever Judith she was； she was； whether real or replica； natural or bred。 There was no escape from herself in the living world。 Better to know the truth； once and for all。
The decision ignited a flame in her skull； and the first phantoms of the past appeared in her mind's eye。
〃Oh； my Goddess；〃 she murmured； throwing back her head。 〃What is this？ What is this？〃
She saw herself lying on bare boards in an empty room； a fire burning in the grate； warming her in her sleep and flattering her nakedness with its tuster。 Somebody had marked her body while she slept； daubing upon it a design she recognized…the glyph she'd first seen in her mind's eye when she'd made love with Oscar； then glimpsed again as she passed between Dominions…the spiraling sign of her flesh； here painted on flesh itself in half a dozen colors。
She moved in her sleep； and the whorls seemed to leave traces of themselves in the air where she'd been； their persistence exciting another motion； this other in the ring of sand that bounded her hard bed。 It rose around her like the curtain of the Borealis； shimmering with the same colors in which her glyph had been painted； as though something of her essential anatomy was in the very air of the room。 She was entranced by the beauty of the sight。
〃What are you seeing？〃 she heard Dowd asking her。
〃Me；〃 she said； 〃lying on the floor 。。。 in a circle of sand。。。。〃
〃Are you sure it's you？〃 he said。
She was about to pour scorn on his question； when she realized its import。 Perhaps this wasn't her； but her sister。
〃Is there any way of knowing？〃 she said。
〃You'll soon see；〃 he told her。
So she did。 The curtain of sand began to wave more violently； as if seized by a wind unleashed within the circle。 Particles flew from it； intensifying as they were thrown against the dark air： motes of the purest color rising like new stars； then dropping again； burning in their descent； towards the place where she； the witness； lay。 She was lying on the ground close to her sister； receiving the rain of color like a grateful earth； needing its sustenance if she was to grow and swell and bee fruitful。
〃What am I？〃 she said； following the fall of color to snatch a glimpse of the ground it was falling upon。
The beauty of what she'd seen so far had lulled her into vulnerability。 When she saw her own unfinished body； the shock threw her out of the rem