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n the sly； I'd have got wet if he was。 I realised that the girl had finally noticed me。 She poked my shoulder for what I gradually prehended wasn't the first time。
'Hey；' she said。
'What？' I struggled。
'You all right？'
'Aye；' I nodded slowly； hoping to content her with this； then looked away and up to one side as though I had just found something very interesting and important to look at on the ceiling。 Jamie nudged fie with his feet。 'What？' I said again； not trying to look at him。
'You staying here all night？'
'What？' I said。 'No。 How； are you ready？ Right。' I put my hands behind me to find the pillar； found it and pushed myself up； hoping my feet wouldn't slip on the beer…wet floor。
'Maybe you'd better let me down； Frank lad；' Jamie said； nudging me hard。 I looked sort of up and to the side again； as though at him； then nodded。 I let my back slide down the pillar until I was virtually squatting on the floor。 The girl helped Jamie jump down。 His red hair and her blonde looked suddenly garish from that angle in the now brightly lit room。 Duncan was ing closer with the brush and a big bucket； emptying ashtrays and mopping things。 I struggled to get up； then felt Jamie and the girl take me one under each arm and help me。 I was starting to get triple vision and wondering how you did that with only two eyes。 I wasn't sure if they were talking to me or not。
I said； 'Aye；' just in case they were； then felt myself being led out into the fresh air through the fire exit。 I needed to go to the toilet； and with every step I took there seemed to be more convulsions from my guts。 I had this horrible vision of my body being made up almost pletely of two equal…sized partments； one holding piss and the other undigested beer； whisky； crisps； dry…roasted peanuts； spit； snot； bile and one or two bits of fish and potatoes。 Some sick part of my mind suddenly thought of fried eggs lying thick with grease on a plate； surrounded with bacon； curled and scooped and holding little pools of fat； the outsides of the plate dotted with coagulated lumps of grease。 I fought down the ghastly urge ing up from my stomach。 I tried to think of nice things； then； when I couldn't think of any； I determined to concentrate on what was happening around me。 We were outside the Arms； walking along the pavement past the Bank； Jamie on one side of me and the girl on the other。 It was a cloudy night and cool； and the streetlights were sodium。 We left the smell of the pub behind； and I tried to get some of the fresh air through my head。 I was aware I was staggering slightly； lurching sporadically into Jamie or the girl； but there wasn't a great deal I could do about it； I felt rather like one of those ancient dinosaurs so huge that they had a virtually separate brain to control their back legs。 I seemed to have a separate brain for each limb； but they'd all broken off diplomatic relations。 I swayed and stumbled along as best I could； trusting to luck and the two people with me。 Frankly； I didn't have much faith in either； Jamie being too small to stop me if I really started to topple； and the girl being a girl。 Probably too weak； and； even if she wasn't； I expected she would just let me crack my skull on the pavement because women like to see men helpless。
'You tae alwiz like rat？' the girl said。
'Like what？' Jamie said； without； I thought； the correct amount of pre…emptive indignation。
'You up on his showders。'
'Oh； no； that's just so I can see the band better。'
'Thank Christ fur 'at。 Ah thought maybe ye went tae ra bog like rat。'
'Oh； aye； we go into a cubicle and Frank goes in the bowl while I do it into the cistern。'
'Yur kiddin'！'
'Aye；' Jamie said in a voice distorted by a grin。 I was walking along as best I could； listening to all this garbage。 I was slightly annoyed at Jamie saying anything； even jokingly； about me going to the toilet； he knows how sensitive I am about it。 Only once or twice has he taunted me with what sounds like the interesting sport of going into the gents in the Cauldhame Arms （or anywhere else； I suppose） and attacking the drowned fag…ends in the urinals with a stream of piss。
I admit I have watched Jamie doing this and been quite impressed。 The Cauldhame Arms has excellent facilities for the sport； having a great long gutter…like urinal extending right along one wall and halfway down another； with only one drainhole。 According to Jamie； the object of the game is to get a soggy fag…end from wherever it is in the channel along to and down the coverless hole； breaking it up as much as possible en route。 You can score points for the number of ceramic divisions you can move the butt over （with extra for actually getting it down the hole and extra for doing it from the far end of the gutter from the hole）； for the amount of destruction caused…apparently it's very hard to get the little black cone at the bummed end to disintegrate…and； over the course of the evening； the number of fag…ends so dispatched。
The game can be played in a more limited form in the little bowl…type individual urinals which are more fashionable these days； but Jamie has never tried this himself； being so short that if he is to use one of those he has to stand about a metre back from it and lob his waste water in。
Anyway； it sounds like something to make long pisses much more interesting； but it is not for me； thanks to cruel fate。
'Is he yur bruthur or sumhin？'
'Naw； he's ma friend。'
'Zay olwiz get like iss？'
'Ay； usually； on a Saturday night。'
This is a monstrous lie； of course。 I am rarely so drunk that I can't talk or walk straight。 I'd have told Jamie as much； too； if I'd been able to talk and hadn't been concentrating on putting one foot in front of the other。 I wasn't so sure I was going to throw up now； but that same irresponsible； destructive part of my brain…just a few neurons probably； but I suppose there are a few in every brain and it only takes a very small hooligan element to give the rest a bad name…kept thinking about those fried eggs and bacon on the cold plate； and each time I almost heaved。 It took an act of will to think of cool winds on hilltops or the pattern of water…shadows over wave…carved sand…things which I have always thought epitomise clarity and freshness and helped to divert my brain from dwelling on the contents of my stomach。
However； I did need to have a piss even more desparately than before。 Jamie and the girl were inches away from me； holding me by an arm each； being bumped into frequently； but my drunkenness had now got to such a state…as the last two quickly consumed pints and an acpanying whisky caught up with my racing bloodstream…that I might as well have been on another planet for all the hope I had of making them understand what I wanted。 They walked on either side of me alld talked to each other； jabbering utter nonsense as though it was all so important； and I； with more brains than the two of them put together and information of the most vital nature； couldn't get a word out。
There had to be a way。 I tried to shake my head clear and take some more deep breaths。 I steadied my pace。 I thought very carefully about words and how you made them。 I checked my tongue and tested my throat。 I had to pull myself together。 I had to municate。 I looked round as we crossed a road； I saw the sign for Union Street where it was fixed to a low wall。 I turned to Jamie and then the girl； cleared my throat and said quite clearly： 'I didn't know if you two ever shared or； indeed； still do share； for that matter； for all that I know； at least mutually between yourselves but at any rate not including me…the misconception I once perchanced to place upon the words contained upon yonder sign； but it is a fact that I thought the 〃union〃 referred to in said nomenclature delineated an association of working people； and it did seem to me at the time to be quite a socialist thing for the town fathers to call a street； it struck me that all was not yet lost as regards the prospects for a possible peace or at the very least a cease…fire in the class war if such acknowledgements of the worth of trade unions could find their way on to such a venerable and important thoroughfare's sign； but I must admit I was disabused of this sadly over…optimistic notion when my father…God rest his sense of humour…informed me that it was the then recently confirmed union of the English and Scottish parliaments the local worthies…in mon with hundreds of other town councils throughout what had until that point been an independent realm…were celebrating with such solemnity and permanence； doubtless with a view to the opportunities for profit which this early form of takeover bid offered。'
The girl looked at Jamie。 'Dud he say sumhin er？'
'I thought he was just clearing his throat；' said Jamie。
'Ah thought he said sumhin aboot bananas。'
'Bananas？' Jamie said incredulously； looking at the girl。
'Naw；' she said； looking at me and shaking her head。 'Right enough。'